I'm extremely afraid of the future. I am having something of a quarter life crisis in a major way, literally nothing in my life has gone the way I really wanted it to and it seems like only bad things await for me in the future. I am extremely afraid of my own mortality, and have been ceasely thinking about the day, whenever it comes, that will inaugurate my own personal eternity.
I have cried almost three times in two days now, and can barely cope with the immense weight of being alive. I have experienced nothing but pain and frustration since I was born. I want things to be better, but I just can't seem to really get anywhere most of the time. I feel like I'm perpetually hamstrung by my past traumas, and I feel that will never overcome them.
Since the start of history last year, I have felt nothing but sheer terror and loneliness, moreso than usual. I am afraid of losing my family members to a pandemic these filthy fucking capitalist rats
have let get so badly out of control, and I am in a constant state of worry about what my actual career will be, or if economic circumstances will even be good enough to actually secure anything worthwhile.
I cannot stand wage slaving anymore.
I hate that all my relationships have eroded down to nothing.
I hate that I am so incredibly sensitive.
I hate that I am mortal.
I hate that the world is a terrible place.
My heart aches for all the poor, the disfranchised, and the meek in this world whose pain and suffering will never be ameliorated.
I feel horrible that the God I was raised to believe in seems to have forsaken this world long ago, or rather, he never existed in the first place.
I can't take it anymore. If I wasn't absolutely terrified of dying and of my fathers reaction to my death (and I deeply, deeply love my Dad) I would have killed myself, but I just don't know what to do. I can't go on and I can't go back.
I want somebody to tell me that this is all a joke, that this is all some kind of trick being played on me and that none of this is really happening. I want somebody to tell me that everything will be ok, and that I will live in eventual harmony with all that I loved, and all that I will ever love.
But that somebody won't come. This world is cold and hard.
I've been thinking lately, what are we average people, or even humans in general? Are we just garbage meant to be thrown away? How is it that we can experience such beauty among the pain and suffering of our lives only for it to be ripped away? How is it that we are ultimately really all no one?
I just want to feel okay. I never understood how it was that others merely lived their lives as if it were no big deal, but from a young age I've found everything profoundly overwhelming. I very nearly burst into hysterics at work the other day. Why am I the only one like that? This is all just too much to take for me. I wish everything was meaningless, but the truth is that it's all so profoundly….
I just can't take it anymore.https://youtu.be/Fy8ZE-sJVa0