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/b/ - Siberia

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File: 1616821073994.png (708.11 KB, 1080x808, 1614922393549.png)

 No.23178

Does anyone want to talk about their feelings?
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 No.23179

>>23178
Sometimes I feel like I can understand what the people I talk to are thinking and how they feel, but I'm incredibly bad at putting it into words. The raw feeling is there but I'm too much of a brainlet to make it concrete lmao.
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 No.23180

File: 1616821188756.png (666.15 KB, 1038x675, perfect soyjak.png)

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 No.23181

File: 1616821325740.png (865.6 KB, 680x782, >though.png)

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 No.23185

>>23179
me too
Maybe I should read more, or talk more to people
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 No.23186

>>23185
A lot of the time too I'll hold back on talking about what I'm passionate about with people. A lot of the time I'll feel like it ruins the mood of the conversation and everyone thinks of me as a spoil.
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 No.23187

>>23186
Yeah, that happens to me too. I feel like if I go on and on about the weird things I like, people will think I'm too weird and stop hanging out with me or ignore everything I say. Which to be fair also happens on the internet.

I have one friend who is super quiet like me, but loves to listen to me talk about and explain those weird things. They're the only person that really listens to anything I want to say. Unfortunately I haven't seen them in months. Our conversations always get incredibly long, but that's because I can't use simpler words to describe my thoughts. I'm utterly unable to make my comments shorter, both in real life and online. I feel the need to include every possible detail.
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 No.23189

>>23187
God anon you don't know how much i feel that feel.
Email me for telegram or discord or w/e
Just want to talk to someone
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 No.23190

File: 1616825520222-0.jpg (86.26 KB, 600x600, 1553740689586.jpg)

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I'm extremely afraid of the future. I am having something of a quarter life crisis in a major way, literally nothing in my life has gone the way I really wanted it to and it seems like only bad things await for me in the future. I am extremely afraid of my own mortality, and have been ceasely thinking about the day, whenever it comes, that will inaugurate my own personal eternity.

I have cried almost three times in two days now, and can barely cope with the immense weight of being alive. I have experienced nothing but pain and frustration since I was born. I want things to be better, but I just can't seem to really get anywhere most of the time. I feel like I'm perpetually hamstrung by my past traumas, and I feel that will never overcome them.

Since the start of history last year, I have felt nothing but sheer terror and loneliness, moreso than usual. I am afraid of losing my family members to a pandemic these filthy fucking capitalist rats have let get so badly out of control, and I am in a constant state of worry about what my actual career will be, or if economic circumstances will even be good enough to actually secure anything worthwhile.

I cannot stand wage slaving anymore.
I hate that all my relationships have eroded down to nothing.
I hate that I am so incredibly sensitive.
I hate that I am mortal.
I hate that the world is a terrible place.
My heart aches for all the poor, the disfranchised, and the meek in this world whose pain and suffering will never be ameliorated.
I feel horrible that the God I was raised to believe in seems to have forsaken this world long ago, or rather, he never existed in the first place.

I can't take it anymore. If I wasn't absolutely terrified of dying and of my fathers reaction to my death (and I deeply, deeply love my Dad) I would have killed myself, but I just don't know what to do. I can't go on and I can't go back.

I want somebody to tell me that this is all a joke, that this is all some kind of trick being played on me and that none of this is really happening. I want somebody to tell me that everything will be ok, and that I will live in eventual harmony with all that I loved, and all that I will ever love.

But that somebody won't come. This world is cold and hard.

I've been thinking lately, what are we average people, or even humans in general? Are we just garbage meant to be thrown away? How is it that we can experience such beauty among the pain and suffering of our lives only for it to be ripped away? How is it that we are ultimately really all no one?

I just want to feel okay. I never understood how it was that others merely lived their lives as if it were no big deal, but from a young age I've found everything profoundly overwhelming. I very nearly burst into hysterics at work the other day. Why am I the only one like that? This is all just too much to take for me. I wish everything was meaningless, but the truth is that it's all so profoundly….

meaningful.

I just can't take it anymore.

https://youtu.be/Fy8ZE-sJVa0
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 No.23193

File: 1616826839248.png (89.64 KB, 246x246, 3d65232c009231c04f73655a67….png)

>>23189
The thought of you thinking I'm a weird pathetic fuck who's into dumb shit terrifies me
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 No.23197

>>23193
I'm just as much of a weird pathetic dumbfuck.
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 No.23226

help /b/ my peepee hurts after I rub it :(
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 No.23234

>>23226
How does it feel though… anon?
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 No.23236

>>23234
ouwie :'(
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 No.23248

The last time I had friends I was 13. I've beet a Hikikomori for 11 years.
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 No.23295

You will never learn how to live.
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 No.23306

>>23248
Are you a hikikomori since 13?
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 No.23397

>>23190
Anon, you have obviously come to realize that you are most likely mortal. Every moment of time where you are crying and getting worried about death, you could be using that time doing something you enjoy.

If you're eventually going to die, why are you spending your precious time getting all whiney and sad instead of enjoying that time?
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 No.23802

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 No.23822

no
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 No.23969

I've been doing a lot of drugs to get through school because I hate it, I don't know why, but I find school way more alienating and shitty than even minimum wage jobs that break your back. Maybe it's because school is essentially unpaid mental work.
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 No.23975

How can I talk about my feelings if facts don't care about my feelings? :(
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 No.23976

I will almost certainly never be in a relationship because even as I make progress with my social incompetence and paranoia I simply can't imagine myself ever asking someone out, or initiating contact, or other basic things that would be expected of me. I'm incapable and I'm pretty sure I'll always be. I try to be happy without romance but every once in a while the undeniable loneliness creeps in and leaves me absolutely miserable. This is small peanuts compared to the problems of everyone in the world but it still sucks.
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 No.23977

>>23976
>I simply can't imagine myself ever asking someone out, or initiating contact, or other basic things that would be expected of me
Are you afraid of getting rejected? I was in a similar situation a few years ago until the lonliness got so bad that I dropped the fear of rejection.
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 No.23983

I fear getting into relationships because some where done the line I know I'm going to beat them on a bad day.
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 No.23984

>>23983
Yeah you probably shouldn’t if you feel that way
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 No.24029

>>23983
You should feel a little bit of pride in being that self aware, many people aren't
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 No.24032

>>24029
I have yet to find a way to cope with loneliness.
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 No.24036

File: 1617151241592.jpg (103.16 KB, 720x891, me on the left.jpg)

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 No.24067

>>23977
Honestly I'm not sure if I'm even afraid of anything in particular. I definitely hate the thought of rejection but it usually doesn't even enter the picture, there's just this immediate mental block whenever I picture myself approaching someone.
>I was in a similar situation a few years ago until the lonliness got so bad that I dropped the fear of rejection.
Maybe that's what it's gonna take for me too, it's something to hope for at least.
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 No.24083

File: 1617167263669.jpg (39.89 KB, 600x600, sexxxH.jpg)

>>23190
read kierkeergard
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 No.24084

File: 1617167459730.jpg (78.32 KB, 480x480, hoonniiiiiiiiiiiiii.jpg)

I want le bf
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 No.24094

File: 1617179571269-0.jpg (51.35 KB, 600x600, b95418a76a649cd7634fad8e8f….jpg)

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>>24083
why tho
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 No.24114

>>23178
No :'(
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 No.24117

>>24094
so you can overcome the despair of contradiction
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 No.24527

Starting to realize I probably have OCD in addition to my diagnosed ASD. Shit fucking blows.
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 No.24539

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 No.24591

>>23969
Same but I don't do drugs, no matter how hard I try to do my homework or be in all the meetings, I just keep avoiding it, despite me being aware of how much I'm fucking up. I'd rather have my fast food job back. I wonder how it got this bad for me.
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 No.24592

>>24591
Bc of this I dropped out of college and went back to working shitty jobs
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 No.24595

>>24592
How is it?
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 No.24597

>>24595
Its ok for me mainly bc I have no ambitions in live and dont care about having money if you want to get somewhere i wouldnt recommend it
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 No.24600

>>24597
I do want to get somewhere, but to do that I need to finish uni. And I don't know how to get back on track, everything seems to point to me eventually dropping out.
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 No.24608

>>24600
I dont really know what to tell you
you can always trie the standard stuff like sleeping better eating healthier going outside doing sport etc but if you cant do it you cant idk
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 No.24653

>>24608
I think I can do that, but it would only help so much.
Everybody tells me I've gotta make sacrifices and shit but it's just unbearable. I'm an internet addict and having a job has been so far the only way to force me to stop.
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 No.27743

Ok, someone told me in some other thread that if you've fallen in love once it's possible to do it again.

The problem, like the degenerate I am, is that I'm falling in love with a cousin… I just cried my fucking eyes out after looking at pictures of the last Christmas family reunion before the COVID pandemic hit and remembering everything about the two of us that day. Why did I cry? It seems to happen when I fall in love really badly, especially when it's some kind of forbidden love or something that's not meant to be. I just get so overwhelmed, and if the other person confesses back that they return these strong feelings I tend to cry again. But in addition to that, I just feel very guilty, it's obvious why so no need to say it. The third reason why I cried is because I'm not going to see them again anytime soon because of this pandemic, when it was supposed to happen last year and I was really looking forward to it. It was practically the first time we had met, the first genuine contact we ever had, and I miss them so much. And finally the fourth reason is that if I told them how I feel, I doubt they'd ever return the feeling. So the only thing I can do is become a silent admirer from afar. This person doesn't even seem to consider me a friend yet (even forgot my name at first), and they have many friends (at least online) and work in real life, while I'm a fucking loser who feels like dying almost every day, won't reply for weeks to the few friends I still have contact with, can't do the simplest of basic tasks both at home and school, and wants to sleep depression away.

These past few days the feeling has just gotten stronger. As it grew in intensity so did my regret and frustration, I guess. It exploded today after I had a dream where we kissed. When I started crying I couldn't stop thinking "I'm scared" and "Why?" as in "why did this happen? Why did it have to be them?"
And the worst part is that I can't tell ANYONE.
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 No.27752

>>27743
As somebody who never fell in love,that sounds fucked.
Is it like your close cousin or 3th+ ? will your (close) family sperg out if you told them you felt this way even if it's out of your control,just to talk about it at least ?
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 No.27776

>>27752
1st cousin, if it were 2nd or something else I don't think it would be so taboo here
They would probably give me emotional support but be shocked, worried and maybe horrified at the same time, I don't really know what my parents think about cousin incest but years ago they joked once or twice about me liking this person because they have a trait my parents know I find attractive haha
I went to a therapist a couple years ago and he said at most, love between cousins would be an acceptable form of incest
There's a reason I can't tell anyone about this, though, and I'm too embarrassed to even say it here
Oh fuck why am I so fucked up
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 No.27781

>>27776
"horrified" is a strong word,shocked sure,worried because they have no clue how to deal with it sure,but horrified ? is this related to what you're hiding ?
Except the thing you're not willing to talk about,it doesn't sound that bad.
The worst thing so far is just that you're depressed and anti-social (like me) making a relationship pretty iffy to even think about.
Unless you're a creep who stole something from her,then yeah buddy,you kinda fucked yourself,better trash whatever you took and pretend it never happenned,I dunno.
If it's because of something that happenned 5+ years ago,probably nobody but you remembers it,especially as strongly as you feel about it.
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 No.27915

>>27781
Well, the reason I can absolutely tell no one is because I used to have a thing with ANOTHER cousin and if my parents knew about this new crush, they would most likely be suspicious of my former closeness to the other and realize the truth
I do wonder if my parents already considered it, because they asked me, an asocial who never says things like "I care a lot about this person" out loud, if I loved the other cousin (they didn't use that word because we speak another language though, they meant it more like regular love) and I answered yes like a happy retard talking about a gf/bf
The last time something happened between us was like 3 years ago, and after that I had to break it off with them because (among other reasons) I found out about a little secret of their own that was bad enough to fall out of love with them… While they're still in love with me to this day

It doesn't matter if you don't reply again after this, what matters is that someone finally took me seriously and listened to me. It's already difficult enough to build up the courage to say it on the internet because I'm paranoid about it being linked back to me, or that person finding this post and figuring it out, but to be completely ignored is more frustrating than bottling up these feelings. I think after getting all this off my chest I'm not as obsessed with my cousin anymore. But it could happen again soon. Anyway, I can't thank you enough, anon.
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 No.27921

>>27743
>>27776
>>27915
The solution is simple, both of you should convert to Islam and get married. No shame in some cousin love.
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 No.27954

>>23178
I'm scared and embarrassed to watch tiktok memes with my parents.
The humor is often inappropriate or sexual but I'm getting old and want to be close with my parent and sharing more laughs is always good.

What's the worst that could happen lol, I'm an adult now.
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 No.27955

>>24029
What's the point of self-awareness if it isn't followed with action?

>>23983
What do you do to control it anon? I fear the same sometimes, so I'm practising anger management skills and I think that'll be enough.
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 No.27957

>>23197
>>23193
CONTACT EACH OTHER ALREADY ANONS
YOU CAN DO IT!
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 No.27959

>>23802
You want to continue your hikimori ways? I got enough of it and want out after vaccination.
Why did you become a shut in?
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 No.29121

>>27921
I can't do that… I live in a majority Catholic country!
>>27954
Oh come on, are your parents not fond of stupid sexual jokes?
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 No.29297

>>29121
They might be I don't know
It just feels very awkward and wrong but then again all the teens are making such joke with their parents

I'll try it
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 No.29300

>>29297
The first time you show it to them don't laugh too much, see if they laugh on their own
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 No.29326

File: 1618566036406.jpg (72.88 KB, 633x334, damn-u-fine-shordy.jpg)

>>29300
Alright alright
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 No.29327

File: 1618568315937-0.png (266.18 KB, 1200x874, 1616033491177.png)

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holy fuck man historical materialism and all that but damn sometimes I wish I hadn't spent my entire teenage years fucking around on imageboards and playing videogames for 8 fucking hours a day immediately after school and avoiding homework

ive had recurring dreams of my highschool crush the last two days and I realize its been nearly a fucking decade since that time move on stop simping FUCK

like holy shit man I gotta do something, I want to have all those cool youthful experiences that I missed out on but I'm 25, 30 is just a few blinks away and the days are just dragging out into pointless nothingness and there seems to be no way to actually make meaningful friends at this age which is fucking nuts considering I live in such a densely populated area

then the thing is I'm realizing I'm not even sure I want to be around people, maybe it's a consequence of my dysfunctial upbringing but I just want to be alone anytime I am with people because I just feel frustrated for some odd reason, like there's something I'm missing or can't grasp even if we're all collectively having a good time

and then moreover (the curse of social media) it feels like everyone else I was friends with in highschool did and is doing cool shit in their twenties and all I've done is get real acquainted with capitalism in a series of shitty jobs while I floundered about community college with no friends

sometimes I wanna say fuck it and kill myself but that is really dumb but holy shit man the desperation and feelings of hopelessness realizing how actually futile it is for me to change anything at this point, I remember when I was 18 and super depressed I still had some hopeful optimism that I'd have a huge personality shift and become cool or whatever but these days I see no real way out of my current miasma and all that waits for me, even if I graduate and get a good job with my STEM degree is a lonely unfulfilling life while the people in my immediate family (the only people I give a shit about) either die or fall into deeper, similiar dysfunction or leave

i just want to be able to fucking do something goddamnit
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 No.29351

ive been feeling overwhelmed lately and Im unable to start or finish anything, I realized that my mental health never got better I just ignored it enough to the point i felt little to no emotions and this was caused by mother and brothers. I feel the urge to bash my head against the wall and just cry
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 No.29352

>>29351
>>29327
I'm in the same spot as you two more or less fuck
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 No.29355

>>29351
I'm like this since 2 years,I've even stopped crying entirely.
>>29327
I can't relate to the youthful experiences part as I still don't care about that for some reason but the anxiety with others even while you're having a good time is very relatable.
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 No.29366

Why are we such autists, comrades?
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 No.29371

>>23178
My Granpa just died, makes me sad
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 No.29375

Sounds like the exact opposite of public notion, but personally ive become more confident after roleplaying in games like DND. Its hard to describe how and why that is but its helped regardless.
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 No.29379

I read romance manga to help myself cry at night and it hurts my chest because even though all of it is bullshit i still want to feel loved
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 No.29380

File: 1618591376509.png (369.66 KB, 1024x1024, I sure hope Gumball senpai….png)

>>29379
It's okay anon, I read feel-good shipfics every now and then only to be hurt by the fact that I never had any meaningful high school romances, or really any that didn't end after a week or weren't with utter sociopaths.

It will get better fren, I promise
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 No.29405

>>29327
>then the thing is I'm realizing I'm not even sure I want to be around people, maybe it's a consequence of my dysfunctial upbringing but I just want to be alone anytime I am with people because I just feel frustrated for some odd reason, like there's something I'm missing or can't grasp even if we're all collectively having a good time


Apart from the upbringing part, i relate to this like a motherfucker. I just think of myself in a somewhat distant future, extremely melancholy and alone, living the rest of my life with barely anyone by my side besides the rest of my family, even if nowadays i do have a couple of friends.
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 No.29425

>>23178
my mental health is very gradually declining into full blown schizophrenia and some other stuff
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 No.29443

>>29380
>any meaningful high school romances
Who cares about high school? It's not the end of the world if you didn't have a gf in your teenage years. It is but a small fraction of your entire life.
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 No.29480

File: 1618616295761-0.jpg (138.37 KB, 1300x930, suicide-by-hair-drier-stoc….jpg)

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I JUST FUCKING LEFT MY MIC ON AND TOOK OFF MY HEADPHONES DURING MY ENGLISH CLASS WHILE I WAS GETTING DRESSED AND I TALKED TO MYSELF IN ENGLISH BUT I FORGOT WHAT I SAID EXACTLY, I JUST REMEMBER TALKING ABOUT HOW WESTERN FANTASY CHARACTERS COMPARE TO JAPANESE ONES, AND WHEN I CAME BACK TO THE MEETING THE TEACHER SCOLDED ME BECAUSE THEY WERE TRYING TO DO THE EXERCISES IN THE BOOK AND I KEPT TALKING OVER THEM APPARENTLY

I PRAY TO WHATEVER GODS EXIST OUT THERE THAT I DIDN'T USE PROFANITY, TALK ABOUT PORN OR ACCIDENTALLY CRITICIZE MY TEACHER'S OR CLASSMATES' ENGLISH SKILLS

OH GOD I WANNA FUCKING CRY I JUST FEEL LIKE LEAVING THE MEETING AND DEPENDING ON WHAT I SAID PERHAPS DROPPING OUT ENTIRELY
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 No.29481

File: 1618616884240.png (1.25 MB, 1300x957, ClipboardImage.png)

>>29480
OH GOD HE'S NOT EVEN ASKING ME TO PARTICIPATE ANYMORE AND I HAD BEEN HIS FAVORITE UNTIL NOW
FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK I'M PANICKING
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 No.29482

>>29481
It's over
Drop out of school, move countries, and change your name
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 No.29483

>>29481
>>29480
You sound like a schizo
But dont worry to much it really doesnt matter what this people think about you
and if you are the kind of person that talks to himself about animation styles while getting dressed they probably already notices that you are not normal
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 No.29484

>>29480
what the fuck.
>>29481
>I HAD BEEN HIS FAVORITE
Who cares,you're not trying to get into his pants ?
calm the fuck down,and unless you get shat on again,pretend it never happenned until he let you participate again of his own volition.(even if he doesn't do it for the rest of the year)
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 No.29486

>>29480
Just repress the memory for now, you'll still have time to deal with it in a few years in therapy.
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 No.29490

>>29482
No no, I think I didn't say anything bad, maybe some profanity at most, talking about porn or commenting on my teacher would've probably made him really angry, but now that they're done reviewing the last test's answers, he asked who likes video games and I raised my hand and he let me speak as usual, he even asked me to participate again in the following exercise. So I think we're good, probably.
>>29483
>You sound like a schizo
Because I talk to myself? That's how I practice my second languages, especially English to be more fluent, but yes, I often worry about accidentally developing a tulpa or something because I do talk to myself in second and first person a lot.
>>29484
>you're not trying to get into his pants ?
no, not at all, but I'm always the English teachers' favorite because I'm better at English than most of the other students and it helps me a lot, it's the only subject/class that doesn't cause me any stress and I find it pretty fun (until now)
>calm the fuck down,and unless you get shat on again,pretend it never happenned until he let you participate again of his own volition.(even if he doesn't do it for the rest of the year)
That's what I tried to do and thank fuck it worked. Thank you so much
>>29486
My first thought was that I needed to apologize more calmly to him after class but then I thought about pretending it didn't happen, but I've already got enough embarrassing memories that I've failed to repress and I want to do something about it right now before it's too late to address the incident.
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 No.29538

File: 1618634493890.jpg (62.38 KB, 444x440, How horrifying.jpg)

>>29443
I mean yeah no shit that's unrealistic, but you gotta understand that as a child partially raised on cartoons and shit, one of the expectations that was drilled into my subconscious was the idea that high school would be my social peak, and one of the parts of being in high school was meeting the girl you were going to spend the rest of your life with. Like I said, it's stupid in hindsight, but at the time seeing the rest of my friends all have relationships it just made me feel more isolated and alone than ever before. And that's not even getting into all the times I basically functioned as a third or fifth wheel whenever I was able to hang out with my friends.
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 No.29553

>>29366
most of us are just autist LARPers
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 No.29554

>>29480
nevermind
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 No.29556

>>29371
Cherish the moments you had with him anon.
Stay strong.
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 No.29573

dude my thoughts have been getting much more violent and just thinking of girls makes me want to punch and kick them
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 No.29575

>>29573
I was like that for the last few years, it's kinda enjoyable having so much hate inside yourself when you've previously been depressed and numb.
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 No.29577

>>29573
that ain't right
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 No.29578

>>29575
I was feeling quite alright for 3 years and out of nowhere I couldnt stand my living conditions and having no friends/gf
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 No.29584

>>29573
cringe and not epic
train your mind and hatred against the capitalists, comrade
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 No.29748

I want to have a struggle session with my ex, I miss her so much.
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 No.29869

>>29538
what the fuck is this cartoon that you keep posting everyhwere holyshit
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 No.35234

>>29869
The Amazing World of Gumball from Cartoon Network Studios Europe
I think the creator became some sort of anti-SJW and a couple of episodes had cringy jokes of that sort
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 No.35240

>>27743
>>27776
>>27915
It seems that my parents have caught on to the fact that I have affection for this person (which is relatively sudden, given that we practically didn't know each other until that day). Two days ago one of them joked that I wanted to see pics of that person (normal ones of course) because I kept asking questions about their father, and it was true but I denied it anyway (in a not very convincing way). We also talked about my reasons to be depressed, and I only implied that there's more than what I told them, but I hope to one day be able to reveal this to them as well as my previous affair, by leaving subtle clues little by little. I'm not generally an affectionate person so I wonder if they've already guessed before.
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 No.35345

Today I rediscovered after many years that I have quite a weaker chin than I thought. I look good from the front and I've been lifting weights for some time now, so I gained a modicum of self-confidence. I seriously thought my chin got better as I aged because my jawline looks more defined from the front.
All to be ruined by a play of mirrors. Not that hating myself is something unfamiliar to me, my looks are the least of reasons.
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 No.35525

>>35345
Don't worry too much about your chin, worry about your posture, habits, etc.
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 No.35530

File: 1619754573550.png (1.04 MB, 1200x1080, 1591469560450.png)

why do we have nostalgia if remembering the past hurts so much?
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 No.38116

File: 1620077002643.gif (126.53 KB, 128x128, 1531668420959.gif)

Whenever people offer to have a more personal interaction with me than just posting anonymously on a public forum I panic and pussy out
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 No.39966

depression
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 No.39970

>>38116
I am going to find you and hug you in real life
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 No.39972

>>39970
I guess that's fine by me. But maintaining friendships is hard and often awkward.

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