Aight so I'm a fag and have no problems in the dating scene (I feel for you str8s I really do) but I have a lot of experience with both women and dudes either being them, dating them or helping them through their relationship issues because apparently the gays are easy to talk to about that shit idk.>>7811
this covers a lot of good points.
+ Being somebody worth dating:
-treat yourself with respect- make your bed and shit (no lie it really helps), don't feed yourself trash, try to maintain some regular physical activity even if you can't make it to the gym, take some time to check in about your mental health, clean your house and bathroom once in a while, get some basic clothes you can wear to a casual date - even some decent fitting pants/jeans and a solid color tee can go a long way.
-Have hobbies and interests- definitely lean into the stuff you enjoy, the caveat being there is such thing as too far- if your passion is idk funko pop or niche 90s hentai you might want to table that for a bit and explore some other activities/interests to branch out. Also personally hobbies that exclusively center consumption (eg watching shit tons of a series, collecting stuff) are less attractive than hobbies with output like creative pursuits, sports/activites, community events, etc. Also some communities have really toxic attitudes and may actively fuck with your dating prospects and you as a person- some gaming communities and mainstream standup comedy are examples where I've seen this happen.
- Have goals or plans - something I hear a lot from women esp re dudes in the 30s range is lack of direction - dudes who are nice but just watching marvel movies all day with some deadend job and no outside interests. Figure out where you'd like to be in 2, 5 etc years and don't let life happen around you.
+ Meeting People: (social distancing is a bitch rn but these are general tips)
- Yes you have to leave the house. go get a drink with your coworkers/ roommates, find some event or meetup around some interest you have and go there, take a class, go to a political rally idfk. This serves purposes of developing your interests, working on social skills, actual factual interacting with people you want to date, or just making friends who may lead to friends of friends you want to date.
- Examine your standards. Don't hold out for someone fitting a standard you yourself would not meet. Women are whole people with interests and experiences and bad and good days- not fantasy waifus. Plus practice socializing is good and if you can make friends maybe you can meet someone through them.
Yeah you have to talk to them. This is definitely nerve wracking, there's no silver bullet and you are likely to flop a good deal. Some tips tho:
-Having 1+ friends (especially if they are female or gay) is helpful - it is a signal that you probably aren't an axe murderer and can be good motivation/social lubricant - a bartender, staff etc you are friendly with can also be a good friend alternative.
-Shoot for context-informed, open conversation - just saying things like "hey I like your shirt" is nice but doesn't really invite further discussing, conversely make sure that context-informed doesn't become "an opportunity to assert my mastery of this niche topic" - nobody wants to hear you opine about how you know all the esoteric secrete b tape recordings of some indie rock band- even if they are wearing the band shirt. It's also okay to just say "hey, I saw you and you looked like you were an interesting person so I figured I'd introduce myself - how are you liking [insert context here]".
-LISTEN MOTHERFUCKER, listen to what they are saying and let that inform the conversation. If they talk about an interest or topic ask them about it, ask about hobbies/interests, if you are in school major is an easy one. Listen more than 50% of the time - you are likely talking more than you think.
-More heated topics like politics, religion etc can get the other party engaged but is also risky- probe with easier stuff first - eg ask about a popular lefty event/protest rather than getting into deep ML theory.
-Be willing to back off. Some women are responsive to aggressive pickup shit but most people I know find it a turn-off. Let the conversation fade and then pick it back up later if you can. Additionally backing off when appropriate can increase other chances for future interaction - I've seen women totally change their minds about dudes who respectfully back off, you can say hi when you see her in the future, and pressing hard can make you seem desperate.
- Continuing contact - if you have successfully had a positive conversation then you need to take the next step to make a connection. Casual methods could be "oh I can lend you that book" or "my friends are seeing this thing if you want to come" - I think asking about a specific activity, even if it's just "getting coffee" is a better bet than "a date" - if you don't have anything in mind you can try just asking for a way to contact them via social media or text.
- Not everything will work out; DO NOT deprecate yourself or the other person if you fall flat. Shit's a learning experience- take a break, learn from mistakes, try again another time.
+ Dating and rElAtIoNsHiPs:
- Moving from casual interaction to dating shouldn't be rushed but also shouldn't wallow eventually you may have to be direct: "Hey I've enjoyed hanging out with you lately, I wanted to invite you to [more explicitly romantic activity]" sometimes it works out- sometimes it doesn't. I don't want to hear any fucking bullshit about the fRiEnD zOnE - congrats you have a friend- maybe they can help wingman you to meet someone else.
- Dont stop doing any of the steps that make you worth dating. Respect yourself - don't compromise on core values, don't give up your friends or interests. Keep your health, mental health, goals etc going. Also dont make your partner take care of you- a fucking common as hell problem I see in straight relationships is this "girlfriend-as-new-mom" caretaker pipeline- it kills new relationships, sex drives, marriages etc.
- Be intentional and present. Make time for your partner, do something they like, figure out what kinds of gestures make them happy, it might feel kind of arbitrary sometimes but everyone wants to feel like someone cares about them. Relationships take work - don't put it on autopilot.
- COMMUNICATE. No fucking games, be honest with eachother. Check in if things feel off. Talk about boundaries and yall's relationship. If they are upset make yourself available to confide in. DONT play devils advocate, offer unsolicited advice when they just need some comfort or feel the need to be "right" all the time (newsflash ur gonna be wrong a lot of the time too) - if it's not important to say and it will make them feel bad then keep it to yourself. Don't let communication be the end- work on your problems, reflect on issues, try and be a better person.
- Be vulnerable - it's not a competition to see who can play hardest to get - that shits the road to toxic-city. Stay true to your values and communication and if it doesn't work out then you will likely still be coming out a more experienced and date-able person than you were before. Reflect on what didn't work and how you can get better and/or avoid pitfalls/red flags in the future.
guess I wrote a small essay - hope it gets somebody laid and/or in a healthy, loving relationship.