/siberia/ - Off-topic

>>664663
They saw millenials do it first and figured death was better.

If zoomers saw how my life played out they'd kill themselves by 25. Still not killing myself yet although I dont see the point of continuing. I guess it cowardice mixed with disinterest in doing much of anything

I don't think about my age because I don't celebrate birthdays anymore because I can't afford anything that would traditionally punctuate it as such, and I just say I was born in 1999 if I have to put my age in a bio of some sort.

This is literally me, I don't plan on living past thirty. For me it's mostly a weird schizo thing from when I was very young, I knew even back then I wasn't gonna live to see 30. I have mild synaesthesia and conceptualize time as a very specific snake-like "volume" sort of and there's just a wall at 30 for me. The timeline stops. I've known this since I was very very young, in the single digits.

people will take the path of least resistance and killing yourself is not it

suicide is normal. we can see it throughout history.

>>664715
theres a smorgasbord of cheap dissociative drugs out there rn, its easy to put off suicide indefinitely when you can get fucked up and sit in the dark. much less hassle.

i mean we have been handed a world where everything is uncertain, you cant even know if you will be employed by the time youre 30, at least millenials could live a safe life as a wageslave but zoomies dont even have that right.
we live in a time period where socialization, leisure, culture, safety, employment, health and housing are all nonexistent

>>664663
I'm late 20s and I feel like I've only begun to figure out life and so I want to develop that or die trying which is the benefit of being NEET for long periods of time but it's also damaged me from having a conventional life path (wife, kids, friends).

you're dumb

>>664727
what did you figure out about life?

>>664729
Well it's not that profound, I just had more time to think about life and refine what I actually want to pursue and value I didn't really have a deadline to reach this conclusion, I guess you could say alienation forced it on me and having the luxury of being NEET even if not entirety of the time, wageslaving and being socialised would've just made the process slower, or bogged me down with responsibilities and pressures that would trap me, I guess having faith just gives me the courage in the end that its not for nothing.

>>664761
when i see God's perfect design, i at least see that i am part of something greater than either my successes or failures, so all is right in the end.

I sure wish I could christcuck myself out of seeing nothing but doom awaiting me, my closest, and the larger world like the guy above me. Too late now, that ship has sailed.

I just turned 30 OP and I'm constantly plagued my suicidality and I've honestly accomplished a lot in my short time on this earth. I've spent a decade or more now going to psychiatrists and therapists, getting full time jobs, volunteering, getting exercise. Even got a girlfriend. None of it mattered. I cant remember the last time I wasn't in crisis.

I never thought I would make it to 30. Now that I'm here its neither a grand achievement nor the end of the world. I just cant stand that people keep saying "oh your 30s are the best years" and getting my hopes up. People said that about my 20's too. They will probably say that about my 40s too because I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself.

Part of me is hoping that psychiatry or medicine will evolve a lot in the coming years and save me. This is what keeps me alive. I can imagine being on my deathbed and declaring that none of it was worth it and that I wouldn't recommend life to anyone. That finally this nightmare is over.

I hope I'm wrong.

>>664843
Where's Newgene to call you out on your bullshit. Although I'd probably be like you if I seemed as successful you seem to be. Whatever I don't know

>>664844
>succesful
he just mentioned having a job and a gf, christ thats not that big of an achievement

>>664845
I do agree with him with that none of this is worth it. I would also not recommend life

>>664844
idk if thats a wordfilter or a real person but I definitely see that word here a lot. I would love for someone to call me out on my bullshit even if it doesn't solve my problems. When I read on forums and someone says try standing on your head and give yourself a tobacco enema and repeat a mantra of "Im not afraid of suicide or what is to come, I will radically accept this" (to give an example), I welcome the idea because at least the idea is new and something I've not heard before.

>>664845
The word success is a trap. Comparing yourself to others really is worshiping a false god. "Success" to me would be contentment and saying to myself that I want to live and meaning it instead of it being some cognitive behavioral therapy inspired BS. Sometimes I think about the fervor around the start of WW1 and how so many young men were ready to give their lives for something bigger than themselves even if that thing would go on to scar them and ruin their family dynamics for generations. I think that young men and women to a lesser extent are in the same situation but with more trinkets and distractions. It's all the same overall.

It's not even that I'm looking for meaning. I've navel-gazed plenty and found things that I care about. I've taken psychedelics and gone through necessary suffering, read some philosophy. None of this means anything, what we are experiencing. I've chosen, as a result of coming to this axiom, to try to be kind to others and not make the world shittier than it is. I've also tried radically not being a little bitch and just riding the waves, not caring about anything in a positive way. My mind always comes back to remind me that that it's a futile effort. The people around me implore me to reconsider when I bring up suicide. I believe there are people who are content and never seriously consider suicide. I wish I could live in their bodies/minds just to taste what it would be like. Even when I take recreational drugs it's still in the back of my head. Weed, opiates, alcohol, benzos, etc. I've found there to be little difference between sobriety and being high in that there's no way to hide from what you truly feel and think. Meditation? Very cool in theory. Wont take away the suicidality. Feels kinda nice physically but even with daily practice never helped push me away from the edge.

I just cant stop thinking about suicide and it feels biological at this point. It's suffering without meaning or instruction. Medications have made me feel slightly less suicidal and slightly relieved the impending doom but never really take the edge off.

Please help, or don't, whatever. I'm still banking on medication, as I've already expressed. Weirdly I guess that is a form of hope. Havent tried ECT yet, a bit scared to lose my memories and cognitive abilities (not a genius just like being able to learn languages and comprehend texts and convey my thoughts). Have tried Ketamine treatments and also recreationally in the past, helped as long as I was in a k-hole and had no identity, but then as soon as I come back to my body, there I am again.

>>664668
and they are fucking correct

>>664764
>when i see God's perfect design, i at least see that i am part of something greater than either my successes or failures, so all is right in the end.
Yes. Also knowing how much worse so many have it so much worse. You could be a quadruple amputee five year old in Gaza.

Only the wicked "succeed" in this world. I would never want to join their ranks.

>>664856
>>664856
>The word success is a trap. Comparing yourself to others really is worshiping a false god. "Success" to me would be contentment and saying to myself that I want to live and meaning it instead of it being some cognitive behavioral therapy inspired BS. Sometimes I think about the fervor around the start of WW1 and how so many young men were ready to give their lives for something bigger than themselves even if that thing would go on to scar them and ruin their family dynamics for generations. I think that young men and women to a lesser extent are in the same situation but with more trinkets and distractions. It's all the same overall.
Success to me would be casting Satan out of this world. I know it is unlikely before I die but I will do my part til I leave this mortal coil.

I'm >>664957
and still things like this keep me grounded >>664962

I have all my limbs, my stomach is not empty, the water I drink is crystal clear, and I sleep on a pretty expensive mattress and have a new desktop that I built recently. Things could be so much fucking worse.

Which is why things need to get way worse for burger proles to act.

>>664663
That's just some shit that dramatic ass kids say. Most if not all of them grow out of it.

>>664962
>>664968
We can acknowledge that their suffering is immense but also acknowledge that the suicidal depressed person in the US will not magically recover in knowing said immensity.

If anything it induces more guilt and shame in the depressed person that they cannot snap out of their current state when there IS the potential for things to be so much worse.

>>664843
>>664856

I am this anon. I hate seeing people suffering for any reason, especially people who have material issues with access to water, healthcare and family to support them. These things combined with severe mental illness or having had massively terrible luck in life it is physically painful for me to know that I, too consider myself unlucky.

I basically have to spend my days trying to not self-flagellate in order to preserve my sanity. Especially with the homeless. Sometimes the express how grateful they are just to be alive and it makes me sick how privileged I am, fuck. But wtf else am I to do?

>>664976
You are depressed because you think some other American is getting his dicksucked and you're jealous. Who cares? Fuck that. Focus on trying to help the less fortunate and you will feel better. Maybe it's not in the cards for you to be a wealthy chad with endless hoes, but fuck that. The good were put her to suffer to alleviate others suffering. Just wallowying in self pity because you couldn't be one of the silver spoon elite is more depressing.

>>664978
But anon I don't want hoes or to have my dick sucked. I dont want to be wealthy either. I just want to be satisfied and content. I want to eat oats and cheap vegetables and a decent internet connection and be relatively healthy and leave the world better than I found it.

Bitches and getting my dick sucked are way way way down on the list.

I do help the less fortunate because it feels good and makes me feel like my life wasnt without purpose - and I'm helping others to not suffer like I am with my mental health.

>>664843
>>664844
>>664856
>The word success is a trap. Comparing yourself to others really is worshiping a false god. "Success" to me would be contentment and saying to myself that I want to live and meaning it instead of it being some cognitive behavioral therapy inspired BS. Sometimes I think about the fervor around the start of WW1 and how so many young men were ready to give their lives for something bigger than themselves even if that thing would go on to scar them and ruin their family dynamics for generations. I think that young men and women to a lesser extent are in the same situation but with more trinkets and distractions. It's all the same overall.

The problem with "success" is that people dont want it for itself, but for some "higher" affirmation. It's all posturing for "community" and "virtue".
And the thing is, people don't even appreciate it. They always find fault in some nuances of others.

The obsession with wanting to "change the world" is somewhat narcissistic. It's not about really making thing better, it's more about making gaffes and publicity stunts to "prove a point".

Idealism is the real Crux of modern life, not mammon. In fact, Mammon is only desired from assumptions about the happiness it would bring, not the object itself.


People say this postmodern age has ruined meaning.
Yet, people constantly wrote and post pretentious words and pictures about "the state of the world."

People are all pursuing philosophy/politics/religion to find some "predestined birthright to rule".
I find that intellectual circles are often the most rife with lookism, gluttony, and gambling.

Eugene has said it best about the eugenic creed that's been imposed onto mankind.

>>664969
Idk. I think it's something that people say when they are in their late twenties/early thirties. Alot of people around 25-45 often exaggerate how old they feel.

>>664663
This is all solipsistic.
People have always treated age thirty as the deadline of youth/start of true adulthood.
Methinks it's dumb.
Especially when they start talking about "much back problems". Like bruh, even teens suffer from that.
I hang out with actual old people, as in over seventy five.

>>664663
>Why has 30 become, like, the hard deadline for success? I don't know.
From Hobsbawm's "The Age of Extremes"

>>664663
Probably cause our market's going to shit

I'm in my late 20s. Being mentally older is something I wouldn't trade for anything, I am much more prepared to appreciate life and not waste my time making bad decisions. Plus being mature enough to understand the world just feels good by itself.
But as far as I can tell being 30 absolutely locks you out of a good chunk of life. Almost no one over 30 goes clubbing, drinks hard, etc. Your friends start getting married, get really deep into their careers, have children, and that makes them much less available. Most great artists and athletes have already passed their career peak by the time they're 30 (though it def. depends on the sport or type of art). If you're an incel (in the literal sense), it's much harder to have your first romantic experience after 30 than before. And the stuff about the wonderful discovery of what chronic disease will probably permanently ruin something you love to do is generally true too.
There's a very justifiable sense that if you don't get the car running NOW your life is permanently fucked, and I feel that way too.

>>667309
>There's a very justifiable sense that if you don't get the car running NOW your life is permanently fucked, and I feel that way too.
Although I will note, I also felt this way when I was nearing the end of high school, and later the end of college, and it wasn't really true in either case.

>>664663
>Why has 30 become, like, the hard deadline for success?
I had these same feeling in my 20's but as soon as I hit 30 all those pressures went away. Im going to graduate this friday into a new trade and im really happy I chose a chill job instead of money and status with the expense of my mental health.

>>667309
>I'm in my late 20s. Being mentally older is something I wouldn't trade for anything, I am much more prepared to appreciate life and not waste my time making bad decisions. Plus being mature enough to understand the world just feels good by itself.

It's not about "mental age" it's just about being logistical.

>But as far as I can tell being 30 absolutely locks you out of a good chunk of life. Almost no one over 30 goes clubbing, drinks hard, etc.

That's where you're wrong. Alot of people still be clubbing in their thirties and early forties.
And a lot of alcoholics I know tend to be over thirty.

Your friends start getting married, get really deep into their careers, have children, and that makes them much less available. Most great artists and athletes have already passed their career peak by the time they're 30 (though it def. depends on the sport or type of art). If you're an incel (in the literal sense), it's much harder to have your first romantic experience after 30 than before. And the stuff about the wonderful discovery of what chronic disease will probably permanently ruin something you love to do is generally true too.

>>667243
This is total solipsism. Because what I see is the opposite. People are horrified to hear about people being born after them.