>>4149when I was 18 I was also like you anon, I had spent a good 4 years slowly accepting it while also taking less and less care of myself as I grew older. at some point, partially due to someone around me starting, partially because I wanted to die so bad I got it to a fuck it stage.
one day I ordered E gel from a DIY seller since then I started face laser, I got more into my local trans community, I found better hrt gel sources within my country, started having a social life with those people and eventually switched to injections. since then I've moved away from that hellish place, I got a job, started a new social life as a woman, changed my documents, bought a house and things are by no means perfect but I am much happier than I was when I was drinking my guts away because I hated my life so much. doing it, even if out of spite was the right choice, even if I made mistakes alone the way, even if I started uncovering other problems that needed addressing, even if some experiences still hurt.
if you can't do it out of fear, do it out of spite.