R: 1 / I: 1
medieval to 13th century European:
>King Leopward the gay bi bastard XXXVV invades the proto-Germanic union of cumsbeg-Ballsackenborg sublime holy duchy of 6th Rome in an attempt to force Princess Anne XXX to suck his cock to secure an alliance against the Spanish Habsburg el goblino creatura's Holy quadruple Alliance of the Danube, Sicily, baku, The Pope(allegedly,since he wasn't alive during the time) and Crete,also known as the start of the war of fizzle bogginiani succession of faggotstine Ville.
>between 1-1,000,000 troops engage in the nigriver Rhinewestpedoepsteinburg and fight for 6 billion days only to retreat after 12 noble jousters and their homless troubadour joins the fight and kill everyone with longbows, ending the battle with status quo antebellum ad hominem ante proto ave maria deus vult, setting the stage for the 9th invasion of England by the King’s successor's successor 2 years later, and causing the 35th peasant revoltion of bumhillia,which later became the great duchy of loliland after king fredrich the nonce invaded it.
>unknown dead in battle, probably three, unknown wounded,most likely in the thousands, 9861961984911 killed by disease a week later,a famine causes the local village to start using its emergency supplies (about three potatoes, a dead cow, and your leg), several anuses marked with the radiant holy Judeo-Christian-Arab republic of le Italiano doge Mario Luigi shkiliani squantante family seal, war goes on for 120 years until both sides sue for white peace,peace treaty is later signed in the house of french noble créme de la pipi pénis.
>in the Vatican Pope Paul IXVIXILCMLLMXLMC calls for a holy synod at Clerpairlemontini to discuss the theological controversy: did Jesus wear underwear from cotton or flask?
>Bishop Cuckmont de Penisfort declared that no, Jesus did not wear any underwear.
>Charles de *insert French shithole here*. a radical Priest, says that “yes he did,and it was of cotton.cuckmont is a heretic.”
>The Sedecasandalist heresy number 89 erupts.
>10,000 Europeans die in a massacre by the knights of the holy thunderwear.
<this is considered a huge loss of life in Europe.
>Cunt Cuntsson from the cuntdom of cuntway raids wheat field belonging to earl AEthlecunt Cuntwinson of some isles at the coast of Europe, triggering a chain of events leading directly to the existence of the United Kingdom.
>muscovite ruler Inbredius von Absurd forgets to execute 150.000 peasants today, this raises suspecions among the population that he is a soft beta male, forcing the rabid orthodox priest and Romani advisor Pepe Lefart della Genocide of the house of cheburek to assassinate the king and fuck his wife after Jesus told him to do that in a dream, he kills inbredius by throwing him out of a window to be eaten alive by starving naked serfs while Pepe lefart masturbates loudly from above.
>Great Konug Oleg Olegovich Rurikov of Grand Principality of Igorslav invades the lands of Grand Principality of Petrovslav-Vodkin led by Prince Igor Igorevich Rurikov
>The grand battle featuring 30 heavily armored horsemen on one side and 20 heavily armored horsemen and 15 peasants lasts for hours, the only casualties are peasants and a guy who fell of a horse
>The City of Vodkin is burned by accident
>10% of the population is enslaved and are sold to the tribe of Khazar nomads for 10 barrels of milkers, they resell them to middle eastern caliphs.
>in medieval Poland, Every member of the Sejm from Pawel wojiski Szecszseczsezceszcez of bumfuckia, Ruthenia to Jan Cuckarowski vetoes the Sejm for the 9.000,000 time because either muh freedumps or they are in *insert regional power here* payroll
>this is considered the greatest example of a pre-comtemporary republican democratic system in Europe.
>in Norway, jarl Erik thruodoHudson Ragnar fitta challenges jarl Sven Ragnar son of bullcock on the Norse thrown
>army size; unknown
>were they even real?; unknown
>sources; drawings on a cave, some chicken bones.
>3 months later, baron franzshlin "the scatist" of finklehonker (house of schild grümers) slays 6411961633462356770 Saxonian heretics for wanting to pay 99% tax to the church instead of 99.99% and is rewarded the title of pedophisilicusbisphililililicus by the new pope child molester XXVXVXVVXVXVXVXXIVXIVIIVXIVIVIIIIIII, but the baron quickly loses his title and gets excommunicated after being killed in battle along with his Rattmann-Goatsexen lancers by Viking jarl ulfvirdbjOrkhorn bullcock Kjellberg and his gothi shield wall, according to the stories bullcock performed the blood eagle on franzshlin and drank his semen to gain power from thor, the churches in his kingdom never survived.
>ulfvirdbjOrkhorn's bastard son of a maiden sissygilhømøfuckkersson tries to impress his father by going on an expensive raid of northern englaland
>his party raids the coastal village of Northwestsaxonumbringhamshireburgtonchester (present-day Whitley bay)
>sissygilhømøfuckkersson, 5,000 elite Viking hersir berserkers, shield-maidens, thanes, and the entire pantheon of Norse gods VS 16 Saxon men with pitchforks, 4 pigs, 2 women with big boobas, a dog, a duck, a bishop who thinks he knows what chainmail is because he read it in a book somewhere, and the spiritual support of King Aelfred ælththuonglæegbæthung (pictured on a coin)
>4,993 hersir Vikings, shield-maidens, thanes, the entire pantheon of Norse gods (died on board due to an unrelated typhoon), sissygilhømøfuckkersson (mistaken for a girl, raped then killed in battle, a heroic death)
>the village of Northwestsaxonumbringhamshireburgtonchester: 12 peasants, one booba,1 pig thrown into the river, 2saxonians (executed by the priest for homosexuality)two peasants cannibalized on accident, one woman died of diarrhea mid-battle, the bishop's ability to read, the duck (eaten for lunch)
>DECISIVE VIKING VICTORY
>on his second day in power at age 12, Marius Quintus Caesar Germanicus Africanus Aegypticus Augustus Anus Optimus Marti (remembered by history as emperor Marky Mark) was assassinated with poisoned horse urine (a crucial ingredient in the ferret testicle and cat vagina porridge he had for breakfast every day) by a conspiracy of his wife and mother and half his household servants and the entire senate and the praetorian guard and the merchants and the nobles and the Egyptian queen and the barbarians and all of the Roman citizens and all the Carthaginians, even the king of china was in the conspiracy.
>His wife's son Publius Julius Caesar Augustulus Romanus Brittanicus Parthicus Jupiter was given the title of Princeps but because he talked with a lisp the people of Rome rose up in revolt backing random ginger with a harp called porcvs claiming to be the physical reincarnation of Nero thus beginning the 85th civil war of the third century
>the civil was resolved when the Latinized germanic general Biggus Germanicvs Diccus was the first one to arrive in Rome with his army and took power for himself. Casualties of the civil war: 35 civilians beaten to death by armed thugs, 15,000 trampled by other civilians in riots, 3.5 million dead of sickness and starvation due to an unrelated plague that was happening at the time
>this ended the flava-flavian dynasty of flavius.
>senate obesvs porcvs sends the roman general maximvs niger ano est in a campaign to civilize the Greeks
>heroic roman victory,death toll;
Greeks 250.000 killed in battle,500.000 routed.
>source;dvde trvst me.
>maximus goes back to Rome with various greek discoveries, like religion, philosophy, and fun facts, the Romans even brought sex from Greece and later learned that you can have it with women as well.
>years of relative peace passes, some historians are born,they say some irrelevant shit about Rome, then they die.
>In an attempt to win the glory of Rome, many have died in numerovs ways
>Famed orator Philarmoniovs Negro stutters while speaking before the Senate, is promptly thrown off the Tarpean Rock.
>General Testicvlvs Balba goes to war against the Sargassid Empire to increase his fame, did not consult anyone before doing this, entire army is captured.testicvlvs lost his testicle and became a Persian slave.
>Consuls Corax Castello and Marcus Soprano go to war over grain prices, Corax cucks Marcus’s wife as well
>general imprimis mare accidentally chokes on the communal ass-cleaning sponge and dies.
>Emperor Jvbilevs’s wife has sex with Nubians and Garamantes, Jvbilevs throws her under a chariot
>Emperor Janitorivs Maximvs is killed after being sodomized by a goat during a bisexual orgy
>Emperor Vithadric pays the Alagandii to serve as aVxiliaries, Alagandii soldiers sack Rome three years later
>obsvs,maximvs,and some other rich dude who can swing a sword form the Vth triumvirate
>war starts again because the consul couldn’t resist fucking the wife of the tribe chief of kingdom of PATHET, in the pussy, with his BBC genes causing her to give birth to a child that isn’t from the tribe, and making the chief a cvck, kickstarting the pathetic wars, where the chief died by an arrow while screaming his famous warcry “I CAN’T BREEEEEEED”
>war ended with decisive roman victory
>maximvs abandons his comrades and claims power in a coup, ending the late roman democratic imperial period and starting the early imperial democratic roman period.
>his wife cucks him with porcvs then poisons him during a gay orgy.
>this is considered the reason for the fall of Rome(not the killing part the gay orgy part)
>Marcibiades razes the city of Rockamoppaloppolis for icon worship
>Emperor Shopalopadoupoulas dies in battle against Arabs losing 150k cataphracts wearing metal pants
>27th siege of Constantinople
>The usurper Analbopalos legitimizes the monophysite gnostic non-chalcedonic clergy resulting in the schism between the monotrelists and the monobidians
>36th siege of Constantinople
>Dimitris VII attempts to stop the Slavs from encroaching on the Balkans but was overthrown and blinded by a conspiracy of court eunuchs, rebellious generals, and his own mother
>45th Siege of Constantinople
>General Alexenos Palaleilolilegoiloi is crowned Basilieios
>Demetrios Theokotokotokoupolous challenges Alexamenis
>He hires 10,000 Norman mercenaries.
>The Battle of Arianokukopoloulaloilipolis is fought.
>hooray! Demetrios won.
>but wait, he Forgot to pay his mercenaries.
>Byzantine lands sacked.
>53 rd siege of Constantinople.
>emperor Chou LMao reigns under the mandate of heaven for 80 years while things stay the same, peace is everywhere except for constant cases of northern tribes raiding Chinese villages and shitting in their rice bags, Waco pirates wrecking trade ships and stealing the equivalent of 1M US dollars in silver, and a yellow river flood that drowns 10.000.001 farmers each year, Art is made and scientists make technology on accident to try to bulge the emperor's cock veins,careful though as the emperor's cock veins are rumored by philosopher Xue Hua Piao Piao to have control of the universe and its movement.
>emperor dies by a stroke, poison, and a knife in his back in that order.
>new 12-year old son is now emperor of china, his concubine mom Cao ni ma successfully persuades him to give her the rule of china after engaging in straight shota with the kid.
>population is enraged by this news and blames the yellow river flood on the 12-year old pervert emperor.
>retarded local wizard Baichi zhan starts the red socks rebellion against the throne, while 9999 feudal lords all declare the Mandate of Heaven.
>7th warring states period begins, 900 years pass
>General Wu Tau Tang and his Flying Tigers army declared war on the 12 princes of the Golden Dragon kingdom out of the belief that they had lost the Mandate of Heaven. Their armies met at the Heavenly Gate of the Eastern Dragon.
<Death toll: 30+ million
<20,000 to 30,000 civilians were eaten
<decisive Tang strategic victory
>before the battle of heavenly ascension,general pan da express bows 45degrees not low enough to his warlord
>warlord ho lee fuk gets really really really really triggered by this.
> 20-year long civil war starts between the two until a stalemate is reached,DEATH TOLL 40 MILLION DEAD.
> A genuinely smart northern general named XiangGou niga niga nai nai invents the revolutionary tactic of archer + horse = archer on horse, leading him to win every battle he ever joined, later he seized power from his lord zhu zhang zhing zheng, kills his entire family, and declares himself warlord of the northern mao province.
>same lords marches with his troops on the imperial capital, xiang was able to take the city despite its formidable fortifications and superior firepower due to the fact that the corrupt imperial bureaucracy hadn’t given any food to the city garrison for 400 days, after taking the city, Xiang massacres it because he saw them beheading him in a dream
>DEATH TOLL: literally so big that the entire population of modern-day Germany was beheaded in under two hours, entire libraries burned, 3.000 ways of producing silk lost forever.
>7th warring state ends, billions dead, quadrillions wounded, XiangGou claims the mandate of heaven and starts the chingchong dynasty, crowned king of the new Dong long empire, his rule will last for 70 years
>aaaand repeat this again and again till you reach socialism by 2050, 10/10 for planning.
>toothless 50 years old Japanese monk writes with his blood and smegma “every 60 seconds in Japan, a minute pass”
<this is considered a 200IQ DEEP ME IRL 3D JAPANESE CHESS quote by modern-day weebs
>Warlords Yamaha SonGoku Shingen Nintendo from the soiboyu clan and Naruto Konami Yamamotoshioda from the nagatoro clan fight over who gets to be shogun while emperor stays in his palace and does imperial things like drawing futanari on trap hentai
>soiboyu clan forms an alliance with the Kamikaze clan after sending a romantic letter to the clan leader dekku, the letter reads “DEKKU?, why are you being such a sussy baka?” together they defeat Yamamotoshioda's forces at the Battle of Uchiha SatoshiEchiishipudenshota hashimaki River
>soiboyu clan wins and Nintendo declares himself shogun but commits seppuku 2 weeks later after being portrayed as the soyjaku by ninjas.
>China tries to invade again and fails, decides to influence the emperor instead, marking the beginning of the homo period.
>early peaceful, loving, and mythical Indus civ consists of tree worshippers,spread their faith across the Indian subcontinent as was holy tradition, didn't use weapons, thought killing another man is deemed unforgivable by tree gods
>300 years later indo-iranic barbarians from the north come and exterminate a quadrillion tree worshipper, god-king herculocus paidophililicsos algerino reyKratos decides to forever keep the Dravid lower classes in chains by inventing the caste system. deeming them untouchables till this day
>tree worshipping Brahmagupta spends 30 years mediating under a bull and comes to the conclusion that fire defeats plants, so the tree god is weak, but water defeats fire, so they invent the existence of Varyughmashnu, the water god, and rally large crowds to drive the Indo-Barbarians out of southern India.
>conflict went on for another 2 centuries until the Dravidian victory at the battle of Mauryaghnuvashmayaghma (present-day Victoria Airport)
>to commemorate this event, the people erected a statue of Brahmagupta but with blue eyes.
>fastforward to the microsoftobangalisexyuga goddess period, Indian culture spreads like wildfire, science, and art ensues. the subcontinent is ruled by loose confederations with no sole ruler.
>king Sri Ramavishnupataliputra, "the unbeatable," invades the lands of King Pajeetashura bahadur Kok Modi after the latter expands his kingdom beyond the negotiated river at the treaty of utarro nahe (no records), refusing to give him 300 elephants, refusing to acknowledge him as the reincarnation of Vishnu, and refusing to hand over his young golden-like beauty, childhood friend and wife to work as a communal concubine.
>his personal brahmin attempts to warn his king of the consequences of such a reckless act, but can't confront him directly about it.
>proceeds to write the best selling guide book for ruling across the known world, read by many kings at the time including Charlemagne
>king Sri rejects his concerns and goes to war.
>200,000 killed, 300,000 enslaved, and 500,000 flee to the hills.
>King Sri Ramavishnupataliputra, "the unbeatable",'s realm collapses 12 years later.
>King Pajeetashura bahadur Kok Modi of Andhra notices his economy is tanking after the war, now one elephant rectum is only worth 2 goats
>recieves mantra from legendary Kshatriyas Krishna, only calls him "King of kings, King of all goat-hills and elephant graves, friend to all cows, subduer of Danavas, Slayer of Evil", is missing "King of Andhra, King of Warfare, the Brahma's Chosen"
>There is only one way to solve these two issues.
> Let's go sack the heretic subhuman filths at "insert neighboring kingdom with exactly the same ethnicity,culture and believes here"
>2,000 dead, 3,000 enslaved, a new 200-foot stone ashram is built in the occupied territory
>emire wallah Habibi of whocareiheyya invades the northern parts of India using loyal Turkic cavalry and kills everyone, sacks the ancient Hindu cities and establishes an independent Islamic heavenly sultanatic caliphate of Sandhustan
>In an open ceremony, his successor, prince Jafar Wallah Habibi, Kebir Raj Rajput Kumar Sighdur, tells his Hindu subjects that they should not be afraid of oppression under his rule.
>The very next day, 4.000 mandirs are converted into mosques as 500.000 Hindus are evicted from their holy shitting grounds and the masses are converted to Islam, all while prince Jafar Wallah Habibi Kebir Raj Rajput Kumar Sighdur eats beef for breakfast in public.
>A Hindustani uprising erupts, backing up the Maharani regent, Queen of the Punjab, and warrior heroine Shira Sheila Chutya BoobVeer XIV.
>In preparation for the siege, the Hindu rebels constructed a massive fortress 50 meters away from the prince's palace and directly under enemy arrows in less than 20 hours.
>queen sheila comes up with a 180IQ trick to kill the prince. She simply sends him a letter saying at the top, "hello twnk cutie sir, pls send kok and testicul you very hansom bby boy, show penes pls, I kiss your snek sir" to the prince, also inviting him to a lavish feast at the fortress
>Without a second thought, the prince agrees.
>Once the feast is over, she locks the door and doesn't let him back.
>prince Jafar wallah Habibi Kebir raj Rajput Kumar sighdur dies from getting pegged to death with an iron horsecock strap-on worn by none other than sheila
>sultan's army is terrified to see his head stuck on a spear.
>The great sack of Sandhustan by Hindu insurgents erupts.
>10.000.000 killed, 5.000.000 escaped, 10.000 killed by cannonballs that had spears attached to them, 600.000 raped, 600.000 raped (self-inflicted), the last two toilets destroyed, the entire region succumbs to war and chaos, mimicking the beginning of the Kali Yaga.
>The Iron Horsecock can now be seen at the London Museum in the sex section.
>prince Alongdonghma Kircket cowcock Iskandar Shahu of Rajgujradahu allows the Dutch to open up a trading post in Poopoojeetu Pradesh.
>his wife's daughter and son of a male concubine who evaded castration, bint-Ali Abdurahman Divapissingpatel (formerly senorita qualcosa Mundo, a Catholic Portuguese-Bihari-Arab-Tamil mestizo and a whore merchant who converted back to ibadisufisikhi Islam) an infamous pirate, declares a jihad against Alongdong for becoming a puppet of the Dutch kaffirs and lays a blockade on the city using 300 stolen ships of the line
>She marries the son of a local imam, known for his mastery of divination and war magick, who proceeds to declare bint-Ali a reincarnation of Muhammad, Ali, Devi, Ganesha, Buddha, and Surya simultaneously.
>With the aid of this, Ali Abdurahman gathers a 1 million army of Gujarat peasants, Chinese merchants, Buginese pirates, and, Tamil and Balinese mercenaries and captures the capital city after a 20-year naval blockade using multiple siege ships of the line.
>Pornika Sarkar (Alongdonghma cousin) immediately asks the Dutch to get rid of Bint Ali Abdurahman, offering them the entire northern coast of Maratha in exchange.
>1000 Dutch troops led by Christianized general Jesus Gupta arrive and face Ali's 1 million-strong army.
>500 Dutch wounded, 1 dead, 200 000 pirates dead, 300 000 captured, 500 000 flee to modern-day Bangladesh and settle there permanently with Bint Ali Abdurahman, who becomes a local sultana and founds her own dynasty.
>Pornika Sarkar is forced at gunpoint to also cede to the Dutch monopolies on trade in spices, sugar, tobacco, coffee, and fingernails.
>his wife declares a jihad against him for being emasculated by Dutch kaffirs…
>*kills over 20.000.000 people and make a thick empire in under 30 years*
>go back to huuuuuuuuuuuuuuooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaoaooooooooooo
>somewhere in the steppe where the Mongols used to rule, Tughrul Khan dumdurumdum of the Manghudulgundulai khanate unites the Tugchukkbukk tribes.
>He invades the Middle East and kills 1000,0000.000 bazillion people.
>Founds the Turdish Dynasty, which demands tribute and taxes from its subjects.
>Much wealth and arts ensue.
>His successor, Sultan Shah Ismail Mohammed Agha bismillah grublay alinjak Bala baataar Khan, likes fucking crossdressing twinks more than ruling.
>this single handly destroy the chain of commands and ruins the economy.
>Turdish Dynasty collapses and is conquered by the Gokutokukroktürks.
>general Omar Abu Takbir almaotu liamerika wa Israel XIXV engages the byzantine patriarch camaspopopolus and challenge him to a 1v1 duel
>abu wins by turning left very fast and slamming him with his DICK
>muslim scholar Abu Haggar is deemed a heretic for claiming that aichas’s friends’ father in law walked past a guy who knows a guy who saw satan at night and his left nipple is more red than his right nipple
>caliphate spurdo hasa of the Benisid :DD Caliphate is a neet comfy guy who just wants to grill kebab for Allah sake’ but the heralds always say stabbings, heresy, the crusades.
>Umar XI of the Cuminassid Sultanate claims descent from Muhammad and invades the Hejaz using loyal Turkic infantry
>the Benisid :DD Caliphate sends a sternly worded letter to the Sultan, and that's it
>Ali II of the Emirate of Sham attempts to intervene, but is sidetracked by the 17th Crusade launched by Pope sexico the Uyghur, pope blesses the knights of the holy meme led by two noble templars Sneedus and feedus, the Tigerlivered on their mission to retake Tyresalioch, located 1234567890 kilometers away from Jerusalem
>Baybars Susuzus of amogusstan overthrows Umar XI and establishes the Karabogid vent Sultanate
>the Emirate and Sultanate finally go to war, culminating in the Battle of the Rock, where from 500 (Karabogid sources) to 100000 (Shami sources) Karabogid soldiers faced from 250 (Shami sources) to 80000 (Karabogid sources) Shami soldiers
>the Zirconium Horde invades and kills everyone
>capital Baghdad is tossed like a prison bitch between Arabs,zicros,turgs turgs until it finnaly got KHANNED.COM in 1258.
>do nothing in a desert for years
>take 1000 years to discover how to tame a horse, but 100 to forge bronze spears
>meanwhile in the Sahara,the tribe of moboguuveuve defeated the tribe of obombucalakakla (5km away) in the 3hours “battle” of the lacomburumba lake, death toll is 2people and a pinky finger cutoff by the tribe’s shaman to create a spell against the other tribes’ “penetrator”
>build a city on accident (10x10 meters) but fail to create writing in some places other than the city.
>10x10meters Oogalay empire (named after the constant cries of the king 300 wives.)goes to war with the pond-dwelling N''Shi'zim'boobies to the south
>Find another massive vein of gold that combines their two well-respected kingdoms, peace at last, trade it all away to their Berber cousins for salt to avoid dying of sodium deficiency
>local tribe chiefs Trade their prisoners of war to yuros as slaves for more salt and some quills,somehow the king thought this was a good idea.
>slaves got sent on a one-way trip to work as slaves in ancapistan.
>Royals roll sacrificial dice to decide who gets to salt yams and goat meat first, go to war because one N shi zim'boobie slave woman wore her Agbada inside out
>Moroccan traders arrive and introduce the united kingdoms (not that one the African one) to a fucking book
>have a sacrificial civil war again over reading it from right to left or from left to right.
>discover another gold mine then equally distribute your wealth to other kingdoms, so much so that you destroy their economy, considered by Americans to be the first communist.
>get conquered by Juan Hernandez Pablo de marias Ramirez de la liusa e Picasso and his 5 ex-cons femboys.
>get conquered by the souf FC, jolly marry battalion of the Anglo brown-pilled cross.
>warrior Asantewaa’s army still somehow manages to beat the Brits with their own guns efficiency, but in later battles they got aimboted by Gatling guns.
>they turn you into a colony and give you to the French in exchange for some trade deals, French infantrie de faguette are surrounding your city.
>after many years colonizers finally leave, but they let an autistic 15-year old kid who thought Africa was a hot girl from school draws your new borders.
>new socialist leader is ded by assassination, civil war starts, Mbutu Mbele Jackson of the Christian Democratic peoples Army fights Joseph Johnson Ubutletelulu of the Democratic Christian army of the people
<Both sides are supported by France and Israel.
>70 years later, teens from imageboards imply mental gymnastics to prove that the colonizers dindu nuffin and they a good boy.
>your father escaped anglo land (as he should) and married a hot Indian girl called pokeherhotass, both gave birth to you, a self-hating EL ABOMINACION
>you join the anglo in the battle on the massachuchussesetsgofuckyourself mountains against salty French frogs.
>royal crown demands extra taxes from you
>crown sends redcoats to enforce taxation
>you thrown everything at the soldiers, forcing them to shoot at you
>5 people died
<this is considered a massacre by Americans
>rebel against grace-chan of the house of cunttington with the help of wealthy aristocrats from everywhere in Europe because fuck Anglos sideways
>win,go west, kill chief fuckdabitch from the shootaload tribe and force them to sign a treaty they can’t even read.
>kill dying empanadas, more malnourished Indians with bows and gangrenous Spanish people in glorious manifest destiny
>new state full of burger cunts emerges into the union,150 years later it remains full of burger cunts
>John Smith (not that John Smith the other one, nope, the other other one) now decided slavery = le bad
>this is considered a radical opinion by southerners
>President Theodore Hayes Rutherford B. Wells does a random thingy.
>This is considered an interesting character quirk by Americans.
>Senator Edward Jameson habadaia Polk (JN Republican) beats up Senator Moses J. Wells O’ Anderson (WY Democrat).
>This becomes a local legend by Americans
>During the Civil War, in Battle of Shebadinowoah Creek Springs River mountain Walmart, ill-trained Blue volunteer armies clash with ill-trained Gray volunteer armies in line infantry battles, but most casualties happened due to starvation after the armies failed to forage any food in the forest.
>This is considered the birth of revolutionary tactics and modern warfare by Americans.
>north wins but pseudo-enslaves black people after the end of slavery anyway, because who is going to stop you? Costa Rica?
>get btfo’d by any credible power that hasn’t been beaten to a pulp by someone else already
BONUS, American folk tales be like:
>Jebediah Noah Washinson was expelled with his 27 children in 1666 from England for diddling his sister-daughter-wife Mary-Joe Washinson
>6th of May 1667 landed in New Oldhampshirebourgh with his 28 children (6 died along the way)
>to celebrate this, on 5th June Americans gather together to brag about their house mortgage
>jebediah wins a duel against german count schmallpeepee gaywig near the Ch'er'o'kee'hee Rock (present-day Abraham Lincoln Rock)
>to celebrate the events, Americans wear gay wigs on the 30th of February
>where Jebediah built his sequoia shack, to this day stands the HQ of Former Weekend Sales Church, founded by Jebediah's 13th son
>trees used for building were sacred to Powhatantiu'uk Native Indo-Americans of Cheekyrook Confederation of Sashquapataniuk Steppes in Rocky Mountains, an offshoot of Iroquidproquo Peoples from Old Newhampshireburg neighboring colony, led by a trio of Only-he-stands-here and Wanking Redbull Buffalo
>fighting resulted in deaths of Jebediah 30 children, 13 Natives, 1 deer caught in friendly fire, and Chief Only-he-stands-here, who for his bravery was posthumously given the name Only-he-lays-here
>quite ironically as there was only a single mass grave
>Jebediah's son-wife Izrael David sent to Washinson to Fort Fort in Fort Valley by the Fort River to seek help
>General Johne Cutlery agreed to help in exchange for the hand of Izrael David
>3th Regiment of Yankee Dankee of Yahoo Boiz sent to deal with Natives, resulting in 95% depopulation in both New Oldhampshirebourgh and Old Newhampshireburg
>to celebrate this, on the 13th of May Americans eat Wild Geese bred in captivity for convenience sake
>Colonel Billy Elliot Tekoona Frankson marches the 16th Federal Hudson Reserve Brigade into Confederate territory at Indian loanword creek bay.
>Engages with General Francis T. "Lemme At 'Em" Hodgson and his "Tennessee-Sweet Back-Biters" along the Old Dairy Road leading to Farmer Henry's peach orchard.
>200,000 lightly trained soldiers line up on either side of an old wooden fence
>Honorably exchange 40 volleys of musket-rifle fire without gaining an inch of ground
>Civilians have picnics next to the battle
>Sun starts to set, and both sides retreat
>2,000 dead in combat, 457,956 dead from disease and complications during limb removal
>to commemorate this event, on the 12th of June the people of Tennessee gather to shoot bullets at the sky and try to evade where it lands.
>Known outlaw Ball-Stabbing Emmanuel McCoy the Angelendizer County Skullfucker rode into the town of Deepthroat Gulch Whitebrightwater Corral, TA, SA, OK County, TXK, CIA, KFC, hoping to sell a rabbit he caught
>On his way into the saloon he tracked mud over the favored opium smoking spot of Half-Chinese Jesus Smith the Commanche-Raping Dandy of Dryball Basin, prompting the latter to challenge McCoy to a duel at three nanoseconds past dawn on the 2nd Tuesday of the week (as was the local custom)
>The two gunslingers met at the agreed-upon hour in the famous Pissdrinker Alley. McCoy, who lost both his arms serving as a barber in the eleventh Hunkpapa Rebellion of 1888 had to shoot his piece by affixing it to his dick
>This is considered a legendary gun trick by everyone and would later be recited by teddy Roosevelt.
>McCoy was shot in the toe and died of syphilis in the next minute.
>The victorious Smith would go on to enter American myth by single-handedly raping the entire Arakwaw tribe in 1896 the following year, becoming mayor of the town built upon arakwaw, bribing Canadian death squads with $500 in cash to crush the pig shit cleaners from unionizing, and dying of alcoholism.
>Operation everlasting beacon of Freedom (not money or influence, promise guys)
>20k US soldiers, 314 UKSF, 4 French, 3 Australians, 1 Canadian, and 400 top-of-the-line aircraft
>vs. 17k warriors equipped with very curvy swords and blessed Kalashnikovs
>casualties: nearly 1000 unknowing oil field workers, 7 US soldiers,5.000 malnourished opium farmers, and 25.000 rebels blown up by drones
>along with 8k US soldiers published after the fact before fully pulling out
>decisive victory for the US
>juan Hernandez arrives to the coast of modern-day xalalalalalâpa with his 12 femboys and conquers the entire xcicltoltoatl empire
>Emperor xctilotili intititiututhualpa is killed
>juan is killed by his femboys for not splitting the spoils of war 50/50 instead of 51/49
>femboy Juanita Julian pepe sorongo de la popo Cacadera is elected supreme director of the new Spanish colony,named el algún lugar al azar que encontramos lo llamaremos negrovia
>bring coomers from Spain and west Africa who coomed so hard they breed a new ethnicity into existence
>have a list of 1.500 shades of skin to decide what ethnicity gets stomped on.
>Supreme director Pepe Sorongo de la popo Cacadera was assassinated by his subordinate over the color of the top part of the tricolor flag of negrovia
>Caduillo speedy coñalez launches a coup for being cucked by senator mariconez which ends in an 85-year long civil war, both sides supported by the US and France.
>Jose "el chupavergas" Mendoza and il Tiburon from assassins creed 4 are elected new presidents of Putahuala and kill every native of the pipipuputec tribe
>Negrovia enters its tenth default of the decade and declares independence after epic Spanish dood says fuck you spain.
>During the 1950s, General and governor Ariobaldo de Segovia Villares Xavier marched into the capital of El Dorado in a period of a prolonged popular uprising against the rule of Spanish-born emperor Carlos IV de Dios Mio Hapsburgo y Orleans.
>Ariobaldo then proceeded to establish an oligarchic government running on banana gibs
>government was marked by social inequality and endemic corruption.
>After a decade, Ariobaldo's government was overthrown by a peasant uprising that promised immediate land reform and the expansion of public programs. The Peasant's Junta is now in charge
>junta are unable to fix the problems left by the old system quickly
>the new government was marked by social inequality and endemic corruption,
>10 years later it was ousted from power by General Serrano Tarraguna Santos de Maria after a catastrophic famine.
>Serrano was assassinated by a CIA agent two years into power.
>His government was marked by YOU GUESSED IT, social inequality, and endemic corruption.
>be vibing with didgeridoos for 50.000 years.
>closest thing to war was the ancient great clash, where the tribe of Wallanoonga went to war against billabongo tribe
>Every second billabongese child was subsequently eaten alive
>Chief Duroogna was bashed with a stick by his subordinates over the colour of the top part of his stick
>Warrior Gullahgoona starts a fight after his blood and semen elixir is drunk by Chief Waggawagga ehh ehh which ends in an 85 hour long gang rape
>Rugganinongon is "elected" chief of the Lugganunni tribe and kills every native of the Lugganunni tribe
>rest of the recorded battle was lost forever because tribe elders had Alzheimer's and forgot it.
>eventually both sue for peace by shaking dicks together, but the trade doesn’t open again because all the economy sticks were lost in the war.
>today you witness anglo ships coming here and start dumping people convicted of stabbing their wife’s boyfriend in the mouth
>island now is full of britbongs, local police is led by noble figures like jimmy the tosser, James “abbo remoober” bridger, and “Harold the eye stabber”
>go to the coasts of Gallipoli only to get killed by achmet bey manogolu
>lose a war against discount ostriches
>go to Papua new guinea only to get killed by samurai weeaboo jones, master of rosetta stone
>go to Egypt only to get killed by Hanz schnitzel Steiner
>decide to stop going to war and declare independence
>still go to war where the eternal anglo wants you anyway.