I think I'm kind of crashing out rn. I made a choice to taper off my antidepressant meds a few months ago and I'm starting to regret it. I told myself that I should accept that I would necessarily feel atomized and depressed under capitalism instead of taking an opiate to numb the pain of an exploitive and malevolent society. That doesn't solve the pain.
Idk I was kind of incel growing up, just really fucked up all around and I just never learned to person you know? It's like an element of humanity is missing from me. I have no species-being, I do not have the other. For me, the rest of humanity is simply a void.
It's not so much the hostility which is the problem. If it was as simple as me versus the world then there would be an order to things. There would be recognition. It's the delirium of things which is most troubling to me. Ultimately, the indifference of society is worse than the hate.
In the past, I used to be antisocial because of these feelings but I mean it's unsatisfying, it's punching smoke. I think in the end that it's not really possible to hate what you do not really know. And as mentioned, I do not know the other. I suppose also I do not really recognize myself.
Mostly, I feel a kind of terror which I can only perceive the edge of. There is an organ missing and in its absence there is a dull pain.
I think maybe I should work on my poetry more. It felt good to vent/blogpost. Also I have been wanting to return to poetry after educating myself on Marxism-Leninism.
Pic unrelated