>you are Longinus
>just wanting to serve well enough in enforcing Pax Romana in the Judea to get your honest payment
>having to guard the order of the crucifixion of three terrorists…. em, I mean two terrorists and one terror supporter… em, I mean two rebels and one seditioner named Yeshua
>you don't actually have nails at the moment, so you just tie them all to their crosses
>the terrorists… em, I mean, the condemned are supposed to suffer an agonising death over the course of a few days
>however, only a nine hours after an execution, Yeshua screams something in Jewish and then goes limp
>what the hell
>this was not supposed to happen
>you had negotitated with the Jewish leaders that you would not leave dead bodies hanging on crosses in the wake of the Jewish holiday tomorrow, and you didn't have a grave or even a trech digged yet
>you stab Yeshua in the chest with your spear, trying to elicit a pain response from him and demonstrate to the Jewish crowd he's not actually dead yet
>Jeshua has no reponse to that, but and fountain of blood and water bursts out of his chest for a second and ruins your prided breastplate
>damn, he is dead
>now you have to quickly bury him to not anger a Jewish crowd
>a Jewish elder named Joseph proposes to place the corpse in his family tomb for the next day (Sabbath), and at the day after that, they would make a more permanent grave for him
>you and the boys help to remove the body from the cross
and give it to the Jews, happy that this embarassing incident is over
>both you and the the Jews all fail to notice the faint breathing of Yeshua
>because, unknown to all of you, Yeshua had a health condition that caused a buildup of the fluid around his heart
>the torture of the cross had caused it to worsen massively, causing Jeshua to suffer a heart attack and appear to be dead
>and when you had stabbed him with your spear, you had removed the excessive fluid from his body, unadvertendly saving the life of the guy you were supposed to execute
>after being placed in a horisontal position is a cold, dry, and undisturbed cave, Yeshua's recovery speeds up marvelously
>After less than two days, he regains consciousness, gets up, and walks out of his tomb, unnoticed due to Joseph not being that rich to afford 24/7 guards of his tomb
>Jews who came to his tomb to prepare him for re-burial find it empty and imagine up that Yahweh had resurrected Yeshua, or ascended him to their heaven, or something
>The story becames a viral sensation all over the world, and the bunch of anti-Roman grifters empire-wide start milking it to promote their own chaotic insanity
>no only you had saved the life of a man you were ordered to execute
>you had accidentally created the biggest hoax and biggest mass hysteria in human history
>why did it had happen to you?
>you just wanted to be a honest soldier for the Glory of Rome
>does Jupiter hate you so much?
>>703522>>703526Jesus's heart was in the right place in the anti-imperialism and social justice regards, but he was still an idealistic, sexist, and Jewish chauvinist asshole as well as an apocalypse cult schizo.
I like to think that Jesus had a brand of autism very similar to that of modern incels, but had low libido perhaps to the point of asexuality, which lead to him adopting "sex is le evil!" mindset. (You could say that Jesus was… a volcel.)