/hobby/ - Hobby

Thoughts? (If I didn’t do this correctly, first page starts with “On Fitness”). What do you think of my prose and sentence structure? Too much rambling? To bare bones? All critique is appreciated

>>35406
When you post work, it would be nice if you did a once over for editing. It can be quite difficult to focus on the content when the medium itself is flawed.
<2nd paragraph, second sentence
>Fr
<second paragraph, 5th line
>pss
>Double spaces everywhere.
>Literally look at all those blue underlines.
>Why isn't this full justified?
>Why am I reading san serif?
>no bracketing commas when couching within a sentence
<this is, for example, what I am talking about
>Inconsistent contraction 'it's'
>This motherfucker doesn't use the oxford comma
>per se, not per say
<that should be at okay when

I had to summon all of my strength and willpower to finish reading this. At a certain point I simply gave up attempting to point out edits. It's difficult to convince someone of something from a place of authority and knowledge when you can't even edit your paper.

Your prose sounds like a grade-schoolers essay. It is full of unfounded generalizations, poor grammatical structure, and colloquialisms. Almost every instance of the word 'that' could be deleted. Almost every instance of the word 'of' could be rewritten into a possessive. It is an impressive feat how much fluff this essay has, I'm not sure I actually learned anything other than the fact that there was an alternative to the Olympics. I suppose I also learned you probably didn't actually read Sun and Steel, a longform essay about the beauty and non-duality of the mind-body connection. I would write this in as the dialogue for an ironic one-scene background character who talks too much.

If you are going to write the most casual of casual essays in which you throw out authority and logic, you could have at least included personal anecdotes. These types of simplistic observations fit well when it is a story in which you make these types of discoveries. In narrative you don't have to cite to anything or muster any kind of rapport beyond the story you are telling them.

I beg you to go read all of OWL Perdue's website. I beg you to edit. I beg you to read complex nonfiction and overanalyze every line to see what is going on behind the words.


Print this out and take a red pen to it. Edit. Rewrite. Improve. Convince your audience of your points through words.

>>35407
>When you post work, it would be nice if you did a once over for editing. It can be quite difficult to focus on the content when the medium itself is flawed.
><2nd paragraph, second sentence
>>Fr
><second paragraph, 5th line
>>pss
>>Double spaces everywhere.
>>Literally look at all those blue underlines.
>>Why isn't this full justified?
>>Why am I reading san serif?
>>no bracketing commas when couching within a sentence
><this is, for example, what I am talking about
>>Inconsistent contraction 'it's'
>>This motherfucker doesn't use the oxford comma
>>per se, not per say
><that should be at okay when

>I had to summon all of my strength and willpower to finish reading this. At a certain point I simply gave up attempting to point out edits. It's difficult to convince someone of something from a place of authority and knowledge when you can't even edit your paper.
I guess I should have mentioned it was a translation of what I had written the night before, so I apologize for it not being presentable. While there are some things I should look out for that you've pointed out, I basically dismissed this entire section. Not out of a sense of arrogance. But out of a sense of "yeah I know" I admit that I should have edited it. But when I see the line ">Why am I reading san serif? " I begin to skim rather than read.
>Your prose sounds like a grade-schoolers essay
Interesting, and also probably fair. I remember showing my friend a story recently that I wrote when I was in middle school and she said my prose were very "straight forward". I would hope to evolve but I will admit I don't really write anymore in my free time. Also doesn't help if my writing has been influenced by DBQ's lol.
>Almost every instance of the word 'that' could be deleted. Almost every instance of the word 'of' could be rewritten into a possessive
Noted
> It is an impressive feat how much fluff this essay has
I would ask what would be fluff, but I'll spare you
>didn't actually read Sun and Steel
You are somewhat right I didn't read Sun and Steel. I was listening to it. It was an interesting essay on Mishima's way of thinking and his relationship to himself. I'm glad I did, as it enhanced how I am currently reading Spring Snow.
>you could have at least included personal anecdotes
Maybe I should, but at that point, it becomes a personal essay rather than an observation.
>Print this out and take a red pen to it. Edit. Rewrite. Improve
Will probably do that. I also hear saying it out loud helps as well.

Overall, thank you Anon for taking time out of your day to read my essay. If any of these reponses sound passive aggressive, they probably are. I usually have strong emotions in the beginning and as times goes on, I begin to calm and actually try and understand what was said. Whatever the case, I thank you anyway for bothering to reply and I hope it does make me a better writer.

>>35407
>>35411
I really do use "that" and "of" alot, don't I

>>35413
>>35411
My critique comes from a sincere place. I may be pedantic, autistic, and a downright ironic asshole about it, but I mean it with love. If you like writing, you should keep doing it. I know that if you fix the procedural errors, cut the chaff, and added in more particularized detail your essay would be commanding and what we would call a “high quality effort post.”

After mulling it over a bit, I think the difficult-to-articulate problem I’m seeing is that the perceived audience you decided on and the type of writing you chose are in conflict. You want to write to the leftist that scoffs at fitness, but you write it as if you are explaining it in person to your gamer friend.

To catch a leftist’s eye there needs to be a particularized bite to it all. A level of depth just one or two steps beyond their comfort zone of knowledge. They seek truth, and that is shown through Aristotle’s three pillars of rhetoric. Ethos, logos, pathos. You must show competence and authority in the topic. Talk of biomechanics in lifting, game theory in sport, metabolic biochemistry in diet. There is a world of knowledge we all yearn for to know our bodies, and yet the capitalist pigs profit off our ignorance. You must apply logic to all. Walk us through the application of fitness for the revolutionary mindset, the building of community, the use in mutual aid. Walk us through its application to our mental health and clarity of thought and how it applies to our digestion of dense theory. You must appeal to emotion. Validate the feelings of every obese and crippled comrade. Offer them salvation through action. Pull from the giants we stand on and share the stories of the Popular Front, the Bolsheviks, the Zapatistas, che in the jungle, all of them forced to use their bodies to enact their will upon the world. This is what would move a leftist to act. Right now it reads like you’re standing in line to see The Dark Knight Rises but the ticket line is exceedingly long and your friend decides it’s the best time to explain why you should watch Dragon Ball from the beginning, but it’s been so long since he watched it he generalizes every statement with shit like
>people say
>everyone knows
>it’s what they say
>they always
>obviously
>so good
>it’s awesome
And all other sorts of generalization filler words that provide not material substance to the argument at hand. This is okay for providing a spoiler free, too-much-hype explanation of a television program, but it probably wouldn’t even get the other person to watch the show. They just want to see Batman.

It’s difficult to properly explain what I mean without simply rewriting your whole essay, which I don’t have the time or mental energy to do. What I do have the energy to do is respond to you in good faith and sincerity. I hope it helps. Yes, the font bit was kind of a joke, but the full justification comment was not. Left justification is for troglodyte and old men who still use Word Perfect. Gambatte!

Something I noticed when taking a crack at rereading "Study of Physical Education" By Mao is that the topics we both wrote about seemed to match. Recent phenomenon of lack of fitness, why someone might not like it, why it is good, the ways of going about it. Of course, there is some stretches and things we both differed on. And I am not comparing my work to his. But its kind of insane how eerily similar it is. It's either a case of how common the problems of fitness is or me unconsciously regurgitating his whole work. Either way, interesting

>>35434
Did you take the time to analyze how he wrote? His prose? The structure of his arguments? The choice of words? How did he demand authority? How did he prove his points? How did he support them? How does he structure his organization? How did the translator do? What clarity did they imply in the translation?

>>35435
Rereading it right now, I noticed he reuses words and often repeats himself.
>But why is movement deserving of esteem? Why is rational movement deserving of esteem?
>To say that movement helps in earning a living is trivial. To say that movement protects the nation is lofty.
I see it as him trying to make his point across.
Also, quite a bit of references to other writers and texts. Uses examples known to an educated person on healthy lifestyle (Says Confucius lived to old age, and no one ever said he was unhealthy)
Uses pathos? Like he talks about men's will and virtue. But he does use logos to argue how a competition between equal in everything but fitness always sides with the fit
As for the translation, it's clear that some phrasing probably works better in original language, But its fine for what it is
It was pretty clear to understand, which I hear a lot about Mao compared to other theorists.

>>35434
Interesting at least you are starting to see the similarities of your works. On the same topic, so of course you got to take into consideration the time periods in which both you and Mao and the situation you both are in.

Side note nice Mumei pictures.

>>35385
>Yeah I know, I just have to get over my OCD about bad writing.
I guess it's comforting in a way to know I'm not the only person with writing-related OCD, though mine manifests a bit differently. Still I'm sorry you have to deal with that anon.

I wanted to write another story about Grace and Alunya but it turned out so bad I'm not sure if I will post it in their thread. But maybe somebody here will take the time to read it and will be able to tell my why it turned out so bad? I read somewhere that reading your stuff out loud can help making it less awkward but doing it made me really uncomfortable. Is that how people reading it will feel too? I wish I could write as well as the other anons there, their stories are all so light and fun while mine always feel suffocating.

>>35449
I will try to read it when I’m not drinking and I’ll rip you apart like I did the fitness guy. I can’t give you my full attention if I’m a few beers in. I’m sorry, bud.

>>35439
I’m confused, do you guys mean actual OCD or being a perfectionist?

>>35466
Both

>>35451
Good luck on your journey to sobriety!

Any other /fimfic/ horsefuckers ITT? It's pretty much the only reason I still visit /mlp/

>>35556
I ashamedly admit to having browsed the site in the past, though I was never a br0ny or even liked the 2000s-2010s iteration of MLP. It was kinda unavoidable at the time. Still, there's good fics among the (horse)shit.

Well, here's first Draft. As you can see, still some issues when it comes to actually finishing the thing. I haven't really written an intro, deciding to keep a strikethrough'd version of the previous attempts into just to see what can be used, but overall introless. There are some parts where I can feel the college paperness of it all. The yellow sections means I might cut it, blue means I might rewrite. I felt that the yellow highlighted about politican organizations was just not an argument one might make. I guess it can apply to an org, and why they might not care for fitness, but eh. I felt that one was too college paper. The second one, I just didn't care for this argument. I thought it was a bit of a strawman of the average lib. And yet, I was compelled to make it, I guess to address it and also I wanted a third argument. For Fitness, I felt a bit better on, though it gets a bit weak at the end. How To Fitness, its decent but I def need to refine the advice given on how best to go about fitness. Red Fitness, I am conflicted. I feel there are some lines in isolation I like.But I can see it if someone says some things aren't necessary. I think I might have a habit, or at least of this project to find out about something or remember something and want to just add it in. You can probably see this throughout the essay. I tried to edit it, even printed it out to take out some lines I didn't like. But I am a man, and so faults may occur. I justified it, with a new font.

>Writing an isekai story where the main character ends up in another world
>Don't like contrived "every country and race magically speaks the same language as the MC" bullshit
>Don't want contrived "divine knowledge" shit since it's a cheap cop-out
How would I go about writing a foreign/fake language guys? I know that Trek created Klingon and LOTR's Tolkien wrote the Black Tongue and Elvish for his books, but I'm stuck wondering "is there a 'common tongue' in such works, and how would I go about writing such a base language and having the main character learning it?
The closest example of such a plotline I can think of in (say) fanfiction would be https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7914311/1/A-New-World-The-Story-Of-A-Lost-Shinobi
But while that fic has the Japanese - English conversion, it's not quite accurate (given how Kanji work which makes a 1:1 translation much more inaccurate + the cheat of shadow-clones. So now I'm stuck thinking of how to impliment this in my story, since it's created a huge block for me.

>>36501
you could use a conlang. the easiest ones are probably easiest also from a writing perspective, since they are easy to learn. toki pona might fit the bill. on the other hand it's perhaps too simple since it only has one word for land animals (soweli), no words for colors like purple or brown (in fact it only has three color words) and so on

>>36514
I was thinking of doing that, but like you said it has limitations. Frankly I'm thinking of doing a deep-dive study of linguistics and etymology to try and replicate the language creation process.

>>36515
sound incredibly nerdy go for it!

>>36501
>How would I go about writing a foreign/fake language guys?
There's a million resources for conlangs if you want to flesh out the language to any degree (a few words and grammar rules are probably sufficient for storytelling purposes). You probably should have at least some concept of linguistics if you want to make the language differences a plot point, but you also could just leave it as characters struggling to communicate with each other if they don't share a language.

>>36515
>Frankly I'm thinking of doing a deep-dive study of linguistics and etymology to try and replicate the language creation process.
Ok. Here's a youtube playlist that walks through the process.
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL12QwurMdjmiPwjM0MBTiyYmg6fAFdTjE

>>36501
Play Kotonoha Amrilato, it's about a Japanese girl ending up in a parallel universe where everyone speaks a language called Juliamo.

>>36517
>probably should have at least some concept of linguistics if you want to make the language differences a plot point
It's going to be an underlying part of the main character's journey, regarding things lost in translation, underlying native cultural meanings to words and other such aspects. It's jarring how lazy a lot of isekai are regarding just accepting utter foreigners when most such stories take place in fantasy settings, where xenophobia is rampant and a stranger with no understanding of local/national culture would not be having an easy time.

>a youtube playlist that walks through the process.
Thanks, this is exactly what I've been looking for

>>36518
Wasn't that based on Esperanto?
You're referring to https://vndb.org/v21321 right?

>>36524
I started learning it a while back but I couldn't get through it all.

I'm considering writing a story but I'm finding myself considering if I ought to do First or Third Person perspective. Most literature tends to go for the latter, especially in longer stories, and few go for the first person perspective. Does anyone have any suggestions?

For context the story I'm writing is fiction, the setting is technically fantasy (as in there are magic, monsters and gods) in a mythological sort of way. An example of this would be something like Inuyasha's ancient Japan, or classical Fairy Tales such as The Ice Queen, Princess and the Frog, or The Red Flower. There's going to be 3 main characters (at least in so far as I've planned out), there isn't a central villain planned at the moment, and it's a journey type story, so it's not short.

So First or Third Person?

https://thejohnfox.com/2021/02/3rd-person-limited-vs-3rd-person-omniscient-how-to-choose-between-them/
https://www.autocrit.com/blog/first-person-point-of-view-definition-example

>>3558
“Don’t you eat that apple!”
“Yes,” the man said.
“Yes,” the woman did not speak, she echoed.
“I’ll be back…”
#
The towering door creaked. Golden light poured out of it, as the silhouette of some mountain formed.
“Ssssssshit, where were you, chief?”
The shadow knelt. A bearded face looked at the hissing thing on the ground.
“I just had to make sure the trap was set.”
“Ssssssssssssuperb.”
The slithering serpent went into the light. The great bearded head of god almighty rose high. Swivelling hither. Turning hither. The coast was clear, or so God hoped.
#
“Sssay, ssssssister,” Lucifer whispered. “You sssssseem famisssshed.”
The woman looked up with doe eyes. What kind of animal was that? She hadn’t seen it in Eden before.
“Ssssssuck on thissss.”
The apple fell. Hit her head. It bounced onto the luscious grass. Rolling like a world unto itself, a kingdom of desire, spinning, spinning, red and ripe. She picked it up; beads of water covered the shiny flesh.

lmao retard take i found funny in the wild.
"uhh everyone like schizo abe, ignore he got assasinated for being a enabler of cultism, or the fact vinctims of japanese fascism hated his nazi defending ass"

>>36606
Consider that for first person, it's implied very directly and strongly that the narrator is the same character as the POV character, while third person can more easily be separated conceptually as an observer and commentator. The narrator is a character in the story, in the sense that word choice and what information gets focus implies something about them. Or you could do something like Douglas Adams and give the narration a more overt personality. How you write the story will affect how the reader relates to it. That's what the relevance of the choice is, so use that to inform what works for the story you're telling.
>fantasy
This is generally done in third person due to genre conventions relating to the origins in folklore retold orally about things that happened to different people long ago. First person doesn't fit that aesthetic.
>There's going to be 3 main characters
Is there one POV character or do you intend to switch between them? A third person limited or omniscient narrator can readily maintain a single characterization observing those three. The "closer" the narrator is to the characters in terms of what they know, the more the narration from different POVs should vary. A distant narrator recounting an ancient tale probably wouldn't comment much on their thoughts or feelings, but a more neutral voice with more intimate knowledge can characterize them by reflecting their personalities. If you plan to switch POVs and use first person, then you would expect the narration style to be distinct for each character.

>>37015
Link the fic it's reviewing.

>>37016
I understand the concepts of First and Third Person, but thanks for simplifying some aspects
>do something like Douglas Adams
It wouldn't work for the story I'm writing.
>This is generally done in third person due to genre conventions relating to the origins in folklore retold orally about things that happened to different people long ago
While true, the reason I ask is because I was considering writing the story from the perspective of the main character as they are first thrown into events, and as a result choose a path to follow, along with some fellow companions with similar motivation.
Essentially I want it to begin as a young man/teen put on the path of revenge, who through his journey getting there and the relationships he gains, slowly lets go of his hatred and anger.
This in part makes me want to rely on a first person view to help carry across the emotions, but I'm not experienced in writing like that for long-form stories.
>Is there one POV character or do you intend to switch between them
I'm on the fence about it. If its a First Person then I'd have to limit myself to one or two POV shifts in a chapter to prevent confusion, but Third Person limited would lend itself better then as well.
>If you plan to switch POVs and use first person, then you would expect the narration style to be distinct for each character.
Very good point, thanks.

I'll take this brainstorming into account, it's given me plenty of think about. Thanks

Any tips for writing alternate history?

>>37095
Have interesting characters unlike Turtledove

>>37095
Depends on how realistic you want to be. A good example of Eric Emmanuel Schmidt's book on Hitler, where Hitler is actually accepted into Art School and how that changes both everything and nothing.

>>37021
>Link the fic it's reviewing.
here:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13911800/1/Gate-Thus-Gensokyo-Joined-the-Battle
Looking back, i should have guessed this type of "Review" would happen in a >Gate fanfiction.
shame, i like the concept and would love to make a USSR one in the future.

>>37096
>>37097
I guess I'm just hung up on how to structure the story to be able to really explore the alternate history of the setting. Maybe I'll have to read more alternate history books.

Thinking about writing a liberal version of The Turner Diaries though maybe it would work better as a video game.

>>37105
Liberal Crime Squad?

>>37106
I've not really played it but I am aware of it, maybe I will have to play it though.

>>37098
I posted some GATE fanfics involving the USSR in the Girls Und Panzer thread, but some of them are deleted.

GATE really does attract the worst fanfic writers, probably because it's such an easy concept.

November is National Novel Writing Month (but anybody in the world participates in it).
There are 30 days in November.
Can you write a 50,000 word novel?
That's about 1667 words per day.
Maybe you've just got a short story or novella to write.
Now is a good opportunity to start since there's an international community of writers in the NaNoWriMo community.

>>37332
Found out about it right after discovering https://www.touhou-project.com/ last month. A few of the regulars there participated. Sometimes they host competitions too. Anyone here go there?

Warning, NSFW prompt:
“You may now, uh… which one is the bride?” The priest asked confusedly. Nidalee didn’t care to wait any longer, leaning in and giving you a big, hard smooch on your lips before deciding to simply walk out of the building with you. She dragged you along, holding your hand the entire way back to the limousine… nobody showed up for the wedding- after all, you two only met three days ago. The entire ride back to your place was full of wet, sloppy, gagging as she fucked your throat the whooole way there~ Grabbing at the back of your head, cupping your chin, squeezing your cheeks, pulling your hair… you loved it. Every second of it. That’s why you asked to marry after only one sleepless night with her~

How can writers avoid "literally me" situations? You know, where a character that was meant to criticize certain people is received instead as some kind of positive representation? Even if you have other characters (or the narrator) spell out what's wrong with them, they still seem to be interpreted as based for triggering their opponents.
Pic related, one of the classic examples.

>>39122
You can't. People will interpret it as they will. The best a writer can do is be definitive and consistent with the characters they're writing.
As an anti-example; General Ironwood from RWBY. He's supposed to be paranoid, using military discipline and force to solve problems and being a military thinker. However he's still on the side of good. However the writers of RT needed a conflict between him and RWBY, so they had him just jump from paranoid into dictatorial insanity, banking on a plan that may not work, abandoning the planet and the people of it, and shooting down rescue ships and so on. Not to mention a lack of proper military tactics and defenses against a horde enemy. This was a terrible attempt to make him a villain and to prevent the "literally me/dindu" aspect (and failed anyway since most fans still like the General).

So to prevent this
A) Consistent antagonist/negative portrayal or if not, then write a proper twist reveal such as in Disney's Atlantis with Commander Rourke
B) Make sure to have your protagonist/positive character portrayals consistent and make sense within the narrative framework. For example Luke Skywalker.

This goes beyond merely writing, but what do you do when you have two or more similar ideas for a project that at the same time can't really be combined? Normally I'd say to just create both but sometimes it' hard to justify it.

>>39122
Make the character only exist in subtext, like W.D. Gaster Undertale

>>40142
Write the outlines for both in more detail and analyze what elements work best and see if you can either combine them into one by removing the excess, OR if you can differentiate one of the stories significantly enough to matter. Otherwise the only other idea I have would be to write one story as a mainline, and another as occurring within the same universe but otherwise being a separate story.

https://archive.org/details/fanfictiondotnet_repack
is an archive of all fanfiction.net fanfics as of 2016 prior to a set of purges, so it's a good archive for stuff up until that point.

https://fichub.net/
https://fictionhunt.com/
https://ff2ebook.com/
These are helpful in finding more recently deleted fanfics

Some fanfiction can be found in archive.is but that was a while ago.