Once again, comrades, the machinery of American imperialism has performed its most sacred duty: ensuring that Donald Trump receives his lunch.
There are moments in history when the true priorities of a political system reveal themselves with extraordinary clarity. Empires speak grandly of liberty, sacrifice and national security. Yet beneath the flags, medals and polished speeches lies the material reality of power.
And apparently, that reality comes in a paper bag.
According to our entirely serious reconstruction of events, an American Air Force pilot recently entered the presidential office wearing full flight equipment, approached Donald Trump and delivered that most strategically vital of American resources: McDonald's.
*delivers burgee*
*runs into door*