i feel like i've been denied everything the moment i was born
my father was the least favorite of his known (and unknown) brothers, that much he says.
my family always treated us like others,
growing up with FARC stories and named after a communist hero i always wanted to be a soldier.
going through my teenage years i tried so hard to fit in a mold that wasn't made for me, i got to associate femininity with bourgeois behaviour due to me getting bullied out of my own feminity
i used to stare at quinceañera dresses daydreaming of my own quinceañera party
i wanted to be a mother, to be a woman, to be a soldier, everything i've ever wanted has always been denied to me.
and then my mother who kept stopping me from joining military school kicks me out for wearing a skirt.
i see my cousins who my grandfather loved more achieving all of this and the only thing i have left for me is violence, all i have is the dream of one day taking my enemy's life
i can barely pretend to be an adult by ignoring my cousin who just got gifted a Switch for christmas while we had no christmas that year.
acting like i'm not salty.
I can only imagine the lives i was denied and it hurts like i had a chance at it.
I can swear i feel it, being a mother, being a soldier, being loved.
the friends i've lost, the body i lost, the battles i've lost.
won't stop hurting… It's like they're all still there.