>Count Gustavious Schtrudelbaum von Sauerkraut-Habsburg is unsatisfied by owning about 0.7 and 1/2 of a vineyard and 64547,2 fields of raw cabbage
>He vows to his bucktooth inbreed orangutan countess of South North East South Western Central Moravia that he shall take action for he is of the most erenal of noble households, the 87th son of his fathers uncle-inlaws step sisters brothers mother who can trace her lineage back to the 1337-iteration of a pure paramecia
>He begins to plot and starts stroking his very manly heirloom chin in the shape of a ingrown cows toe for inspiration
>His page boy comes up with a cunning plan but because the count stroked his chin too much whilst gazing at the young luscious haired boy he develops a stiff resurrection in his undergarment.
>This be obviously the work of the luciferian sodomite serpent trying to rise up from the depths of darkness to turn me into a nonce
>Instead of reflecting on his sick urges in shame or acting on them, he sends word for a doctor preferably someone who knows how to urgently drain all the blood of a ox from its back left left nipple in under our good lords 0.00005476 seconds with only half a leach, making him the very first weasel in his family to have conviction and not plow boys at first "hellenic curse", and earning him the title "kraut der restrainer"
>The doctor gets the message and proceeds to visit the count in a record time of 36.02 months passing over 4 swamps - 3 meadows with little banditry - 2 freshly plowed m`ladies and quick stop at the Knajghts Templarius inn for a third round with the oldest profession.
>He assures the count he knows all of the bibles verses in vulgar greek backwards due to him being thought the anatomy of the soul at the Sorbonne and has milked slugs
>He charges the count 75636 florintsese and 4 castles weekly only to inserts 2 vials of mercury into count anus. Proceeds to spend the next 13 months at the castle compiling evidence on the countess episodes of vaginal bleeding as witchcraft to present to Grand Inquisitor Torquemada Pedro for further investigations of the heretic grand order ruling europe from the shadows.
>After 8 years the count finally recovers starts to scheme in his plans again only to stubs his toe in a pillow developing gangrene and dying the next day
>His his 1 remaining son and 2346 uncles split his land with his uncle equally so that 0/16 goes to the son 7/8 goes to the church and 1/8 goes to Lujis IXIXIIXI
Good post (I don't know what to write on this topic)
This all really happened by the way
early tradcath history be like
>Pope Paulus IXVIXILCMLLMXLMC calls for a holy synod at the Clerpairlemontini Romanorum to discuss the immidiate theological controversy of our time: did Jesus wear underwear’s from cotton or linen?
>Bishop Cuckmont de Penisfort declared that no, Jesus did not wear any underwear’s as god’s son wouldn’t follow the rules of heretic Jews and his garment was just fine and cites a 300 year old debatable witness account by the 3rd or fourth roman soldier who looked up Jesus’ garment after his crucifixion while walking under the cross, written in page 365 of a book written by the first Christian abbot in northern Italy, augstinusnusnussus of boylovingus.
>Charles de *insert French shithole here*. a radical Priest, says that “yes he did, and it was of Egyptian cotton brought alongside the river Jordan, to this the son of god would make god's kingdom on earth as an unshrouded barbarian is insulting, cuckmont is an unbabtized heretic who follows heretic books rewritten by byzantine orthodocucks, misread the bible, and is probably Manichean too”
>new elected Pope Pedophilicus IXVIXIIXXLMC (birth name Pedo de Roncenbarrone) holds the Conclave of Mimirimini to decide the controversy
>it doesn't do shit and the schism gets out of hand among all the western Clergy, The Sedecasandalist heresy number 89 erupts. with the patron saint of texile himself backing the Monoflaxiers (flax only clothes) versus the Polynude Eucharists after the latter faction's top believe, broke the last straw by claiming jesus did in fact, did not wear his sandals too. (earthly possessions be sinful)
>10,000 Europeans die at the burning stake in some most pointless bumfuck hill in modern day Slovenia in a massacre by the most serene heresy hunting holy knights of the inquisition of the holy Briefs. (one of the retired knights later goes on to form the hospitaller order 20 years later)
<this is considered a tragedy, a huge gigantic loss of life in Europe when in china 10.000 is a tuesday battle
<so tragic and grim in fact, it later gets into a voltaire play and gets a monument made after it in east germany about why religion = the murder.
>>803740The Trinity concept is a lie btw
>on his second day in power at age 12, Marius Quintus Caesar Germanicus Africanus Aegypticus Augustus Anus Optimus Marti (remembered by history as emperor Marky Mark) was assassinated with poisoned horse urine (a crucial ingredient in the ferret testicle and cat vagina porridge he had for breakfast every day) by a conspiracy of his wife and mother and half his household servants and the entire senate and the praetorian guard and the merchants and the nobles and the Egyptian queen and the barbarians and all of the Roman citizens and all the Carthaginians and Etruscans, even the king of china was in the conspiracy.
>His wife's son’s friend in captivity Publius Julius Caesar Augustulus Romanus Brittanicus Parthicus Jupiter was given the title of Princeps but because he talked with a lisp the people of Rome rose up in revolt backing random ginger with a harp called porcvs claiming to be the physical reincarnation of Nero thus beginning the 85th civil war of the third century
>the civil was resolved when the Latinized germanic general Biggus Germanicvs Diccus was the first one to arrive in Rome with his army and took power for himself. Casualties of the civil war: 35 civilians beaten to death by armed thugs, 1.500 beaten to death with bare hands and amphoraes by escaping gladiators, 20 mauled by a lion escaping the amphitheater, 15,000 trampled by other civilians in riots, 3.5 million dead of sickness and starvation due to an unrelated plague that was happening at the time
>this ended the flava-flavian dynasty of flavius.
>senate obesvs porcvs sends the roman general maximvs blackus assus in a campaign to civilize the Greeks
>heroic roman victory,death toll;
Romans 19
Greeks 250.000 killed in battle,500.000 routed.
>source; dvde trvst me.
>maximus goes back to Rome with various greek discoveries, like religion, philosophy, and fun facts, the Romans even brought sex from Greece and later learned that you can have it with women as well.
>years of relative peace passes, some historians are born, they say some irrelevant shit about Rome, then they die.
>In an attempt to win the glory of Rome, Many Great (aka influential or rich) Men have died in numerovs ways but got immortalized with a legacy
>Famed Orator Philarmoniovs “Negro” Victrix stutters while speaking before the Senate, is promptly thrown off the Tarpean Rock one hour later. (Legacy, appearing on Spartacus season 2 for two minutes as side character)
>General Testicvlvs “the Stallion” Balboa goes to war against the Sargassid Empire to increase his fame, did not consult anyone before doing this, entire army is captured. testicvlvs lost his testicle and became a Persian bathhouse slave. (legacy, being discovered on a Persian amphorae used to store eunuch balls)
>Consuls Corax Castello and Marcus Soprano go to war over grain prices, Corax cheats on his wife with Marcus’s wife as well due to wine induced witchery on her side (legacy, both their estates are where Ferrari headquarters exist today)
>Admiral imprimis Mare accidentally chokes on the communal ass-cleaning sponge and dies in his own estate. (legacy: a calligraphy mocking him by name 2000 years later)
>Emperor Jvbilevs’s wife has sex with Nubians Numidians and Garamantes, Jvbilevs throws her under a chariot to save face (legacy, appearing in a porn parody movie in 90s Paris of the incident feat Dolly Golden)
>Emperor Janitorivs Maximvs is killed after being sodomized by a goat during a bisexual orgy
>Emperor Vithadric pays the Alagandii and kushites to serve as aVxiliaries, Alagandii soldiers fight with the kushites over who gets to sack Rome three years later
>obsvs, Maximvs, and some other rich dude who can swing a Gladius form the Vth triumvirate
>Battle of Oedipus, a lucrative rich silver mine in modern day Romania
>Barbarians from the Sarmatian-Khazir-Rus-Scythian-whoever fucker else lives east of the dacian tribes vs Roman II Legion, VII Legion, X Legion, and 3 Praetorian Guardsmen on vacation
>tribal forces: 10,000 horse archers and 50 goats and their wives and muscle mommy sisters
>Roman forces: 50,000
>48,000 dead romans and 3 tribal villages looted/ widescale female-on-male rape of roman POW's that becomes someone's fetish 2000 years later in a library
>result: decisive Roman victory (they got the hill until the sarmatian warrior women fucked off with their roped, traumatized "drained" velites as husbands)
>coins running from the silver mines re-ignite and age of prosperity
>maximvs abandons his comrades and claims power in a coup, ending the late roman democratic imperial period and starting the early imperial democratic roman period.
>he then goes on to commision 500 pantheons that ruin the modern roman housing market and fuck 70000 twinks and sponsor so many games and festivals syria runs out of lemons and the now extinct levantine caracals (killed in combat)
>his wife cucks him with porcvs then poisons him by switching his lube with Mercury during a gay orgy.
<this is considered on youtube the reason for the fall of Rome(not the killing part the gay orgy part)