Well, you know, I'm… I moved here because, uh… I moved here because, you know, well, I had to leave the States, but I picked Thailand because, uh… Because I always had a thing for Asian girls, you know? And when I got here, oh, I was like a kid in a candy store. You got money, no attachments, nothing to do. I started partying. It got wild. I was picking up girls every night. Always different ones, petite ones, chubby ones, older ones, sometimes multiple ladies a night. I– I was out of control. I became insatiable. And, uh… You know, after about a thousand nights like that, you start to lose it. I started wondering, where am I going with this? W… why do I feel this need to fuck all these women? What is desire? The form of this cute Asian girl, why does it have such a grip on me? 'Cause she's the opposite of me? She gonna complete me in some way? I realized that I could fuck a million women, I'd still never be satisfied. Maybe… Maybe what I really want, is to be one of these Asian girls.
You know?
No, really. Really? So, one night I took home some girl, turned out to be a lady-boy, which I'd done before, but this time, instead of fucking the lady-boy, the lady-boy fucked me. And it was kind of magical. And I got it in my head that what I really wanted was to be one of these Asian girls, getting fucked by me, and to feel that.
So I put out an ad, looking for a white guy, my age, come over and fuck me. Found a guy looked a lot like me. Then I put on some lingerie and perfume, made myself look like one of these girls and I thought I looked pretty hot. Then this guy came over, railed the shit outta me. Then I got addicted to that. Some nights three, four guys would come over, rail the shit outta me. Some I even had to pay. And at the same time I'd hire an Asian girl, who'd just sit there, and watch the whole thing. I'd look in her eyes, while some guy was fucking me, and I'd think, "I am her, and I am fucking me."
Hey, we all have our Achilles' heel, man, you know. Where does it come from? Why are some of us attracted to the opposite form? Yeah. And some of us the same? sex is a poetic act. It's a metaphor. Metaphor for what? Are we our forms? Am I a middle-aged White guy on the inside, too? Or inside… could I be an Asian girl?
Guess I was trying to fuck my way to the answer. Then I realized I gotta… I gotta stop with the drug, the girls, the– You know, trying to be a girl. I got into Buddhism, which is all about, you know, spirit versus form, detaching from self, getting off the never-ending carousel of lust and suffering. Being sober isn't so hard… Being celibate, though, that's… I still miss that pussy, man.