>>779711I genuinely might be going schizo, everytime i go outside my cranium is pestered with advertisements. Everything requires me being treated like complete cattle. I walk the streets trying to enjoy the city only for me to see ad after ad after ad. Be they obvious or just a logo wherever the fuck the particular corpo wants it to be. In nature I find some peace, but even that is interrupted by the suburban hellscapes and the constantly worsening climate. The new normal is that there are entire weeks where hiking is not possible due to the fact it is dangerous(not uncomfortable) to go out into nature. More and more sandy desert, less and less forests.
I cannot go into shopping centers without getting nauseous from the amount of slop that is everywhere. The product has gone from being a thing to being a promise, which of course is just a pornographic dream of whatever image the corpo wants to sell.
I try and use the web, personal stuff, banking, you know? The type of stuff that should've become much better to use with the advent of the web. Only for google to constantly rape my eyes with reminders that I should add X, add Y, add MFA which is already there, but now they want an email too. I just want to use one secure password for the service, why the fuck do I need to have multiple fail safes just because the requirements for a strong password are comically underwhelming.
I try to use my bank, only for it to require me to use my login password after I already logged in just to view some info. Any kind of usage of anything just seems so alien to me. I already have an awful relationship with having any meaningful emotional attachment, and now that too is going away little by little.
I look at people too, and they just seem like cattle to me, majority at least. And not in a way that is "oh man Im such a cool as fucking commie them libs are stopid sheeple", but more so "what the fuck are you do you mean kobe" way. How can people actually accept this? In a casual manner where every single service that surrounds them is both shit to use and shit to the user.
I am lonely, I want to cry because I simply cannot attach myself to anything. Due to my constant moving I have never formed meaningful relationships, I dont have an org, and in the future half decade Im unlikely to have the chance to participate in one. I do read theory, and I support anyone in organizing, be they even Marxist-Trotskyist-Maoist or whatever the fuck. But I am outside, not in the circle.
My enjoyment of life has diminished so much that I practically do not know when was the last time I was actually happy. Not just enjoying the moment or giggling, but actually joyous. Nowadays I ponder that if anyone close to me dies, I might pretend to cry, but not truly be sad. I imagine my loved ones getting absolutely obliterated in front of me, but except for shock there are no emotions. I just want to feel things, not to just enjoy or savour, but to feel. To be sad, happy, and everything inbetween. To have some kind of attachment without it feeling artificial or like rape.