This all really happened by the way
early tradcath history be like
>Pope Paulus IXVIXILCMLLMXLMC calls for a holy synod at the Clerpairlemontini Romanorum to discuss the immidiate theological controversy of our time: did Jesus wear underwear’s from cotton or linen?
>Bishop Cuckmont de Penisfort declared that no, Jesus did not wear any underwear’s as god’s son wouldn’t follow the rules of heretic Jews and his garment was just fine and cites a 300 year old debatable witness account by the 3rd or fourth roman soldier who looked up Jesus’ garment after his crucifixion while walking under the cross, written in page 365 of a book written by the first Christian abbot in northern Italy, augstinusnusnussus of boylovingus.
>Charles de *insert French shithole here*. a radical Priest, says that “yes he did, and it was of Egyptian cotton brought alongside the river Jordan, to this the son of god would make god's kingdom on earth as an unshrouded barbarian is insulting, cuckmont is an unbabtized heretic who follows heretic books rewritten by byzantine orthodocucks, misread the bible, and is probably Manichean too”
>new elected Pope Pedophilicus IXVIXIIXXLMC (birth name Pedo de Roncenbarrone) holds the Conclave of Mimirimini to decide the controversy
>it doesn't do shit and the schism gets out of hand among all the western Clergy, The Sedecasandalist heresy number 89 erupts. with the patron saint of texile himself backing the Monoflaxiers (flax only clothes) versus the Polynude Eucharists after the latter faction's top believe, broke the last straw by claiming jesus did in fact, did not wear his sandals too. (earthly possessions be sinful)
>10,000 Europeans die at the burning stake in some most pointless bumfuck hill in modern day Slovenia in a massacre by the most serene heresy hunting holy knights of the inquisition of the holy Briefs. (one of the retired knights later goes on to form the hospitaller order 20 years later)
<this is considered a tragedy, a huge gigantic loss of life in Europe when in china 10.000 is a tuesday battle
<so tragic and grim in fact, it later gets into a voltaire play and gets a monument made after it in east germany about why religion = the murder.
>>803740The Trinity concept is a lie btw
>on his second day in power at age 12, Marius Quintus Caesar Germanicus Africanus Aegypticus Augustus Anus Optimus Marti (remembered by history as emperor Marky Mark) was assassinated with poisoned horse urine (a crucial ingredient in the ferret testicle and cat vagina porridge he had for breakfast every day) by a conspiracy of his wife and mother and half his household servants and the entire senate and the praetorian guard and the merchants and the nobles and the Egyptian queen and the barbarians and all of the Roman citizens and all the Carthaginians and Etruscans, even the king of china was in the conspiracy.>His wife's son’s friend in captivity Publius Julius Caesar Augustulus Romanus Brittanicus Parthicus Jupiter was given the title of Princeps but because he talked with a lisp the people of Rome rose up in revolt backing random ginger with a harp called porcvs claiming to be the physical reincarnation of Nero thus beginning the 85th civil war of the third century>the civil was resolved when the Latinized germanic general Biggus Germanicvs Diccus was the first one to arrive in Rome with his army and took power for himself. Casualties of the civil war: 35 civilians beaten to death by armed thugs, 1.500 beaten to death with bare hands and amphoraes by escaping gladiators, 20 mauled by a lion escaping the amphitheater, 15,000 trampled by other civilians in riots, 3.5 million dead of sickness and starvation due to an unrelated plague that was happening at the time>this ended the flava-flavian dynasty of flavius.>senate obesvs porcvs sends the roman general maximvs blackus assus in a campaign to civilize the Greeks>heroic roman victory,death toll;Romans 19
Greeks 250.000 killed in battle,500.000 routed.
>source; dvde trvst me.>maximus goes back to Rome with various greek discoveries, like religion, philosophy, and fun facts, the Romans even brought sex from Greece and later learned that you can have it with women as well.>years of relative peace passes, some historians are born, they say some irrelevant shit about Rome, then they die.>In an attempt to win the glory of Rome, Many Great (aka influential or rich) MenPost too long. Click here to view the full text.