all will take their own lives, all will lie to me, they will say that they enjoy my company but will be secretly rotting inside because they think, they know that I cannot save them.
And so to keep living is to watch every possibility on your life burn out, to try to enjoy the last minutes of a fire lit in the middle of a snowstorm.
I've tried relentlessly to be self sufficient. I've done my very best to become strong, to be able to fail and not collapse, to learn from every aspect, to never succumb to despair, to solitude, or to hope; to never need a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to help me.
To try and know how to console others, to fix all of their problems, to know the root of all of them… Treating people as systems to be observed, as pattern following entities, to try and know so much about everyone and about humans in general that no trouble, no nuance and no unspoken word would get past me… only to get woken up, at 4 am in the morning, because she cut her arms open and she's now in the hospital. Only to know that, again, another night, he's on the train tracks waiting for his life to end.
Sometimes, I wished I was immortal, so that the deaths of my beloved would blend into the past, so that suffering would temper my soul, so that I could endure anything…
Some day, we will walk along the endless strides of tulips we planted all those years ago, with the blinding sun shining on them and on us, obscuring the horizon; and we will get lost in the flowers.