>>46772Before I start critiquing, I think your writing is pretty good, I think your world sounds like it could be interesting, but I don't think you really got to anything to interesting in chapter 1, and the writing wasn't compelling enough on it's own either. I could go through line by line on a lot of stuff. But in summary of my take on Chapter 1:
> I felt you were taking too long to describe things we could easily understand without the long unoriginal description.Right off the bat, the first sentence I felt was really uninspiring.
>The October day was hot, a damp, oppressive heat that clung to the skin despite the overcast sky and the constant drizzle. It just seems like you're describing muggy whether in the most direct way possible. There is nothing in this sentence that gives a hint at your style, world, characterization. If you think about it the first sentence is the most important in the book.
Then on the opposite end, I get you're trying to do a slow reveal about what this post-societal breakdown American world is, but I've already read a lot of stories like that, and you're not giving and hints of anything that are particularly fascinating yet. I guess this line was the most but I have no idea what it means:
>Thirteen stripes, but where the stars should have been, a single Star of David was pierced by a cross.Also you use some language kinda over and over again.
>The engine roared in protest,>The truck groaned in protest That's like absolutely too much but even this:
> the roar of the engine settling back into a labored grumble.Then you just flat out tell us "I'm trying to personify the truck"
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