My reaction to the realisation that I'm going to die one day has become one of complete indifference. I used to care a lot about that I'd die one day, or rather it would make me anxious to ensure that I'd live a good life and also and perhaps more importantly, provide a good life for others before I die. That anxiety would drive to me to take actions to meet those goals but lately I find myself caring less and less. I used to want to meet a woman and start a family with her. Now I realise that the combination of my personality, mental illness and the fact that I've spent a great deal of my 20s living as either a shut in or just talking to a few people very close to me, that's not something that's really a likely thing to happen anytime soon, nor does the likelihood of this appear to be set to decrease any time soon. I used to want to have a job with some kind of prestige, nothing fancy, just something that I feel I could take pride in, now I don't give a shit, the idea of quitting postgrad and just working minwage jobs or collecting welfare and just abusing substances until my body can't take it anymore looks tempting. I used to hope that the political situation of the world could improve or that I could work with others to make this happen. Now I just see how most people in orgs are retards who treat it as a hobby (not that I'm any better) and the conditions for any kind of change worsen everyday, everyone is getting their minds rotten by reactionary nonsense anyway. Part of me would like to give more of a shit about life and just go back to the old way of actually desiring positive things, but I feel that's mostly because that's out of a desire to conform with what's socially acceptable, a lot of me just wants to say "fuck it" just drop out of society and drink and take opiods until I die. Everything else just seems to difficult.
>"oh but why don't you kys then"I would, but I worry about how that affect those I care about, if I just slowly do it by means of substance abuse, most of them are older than me by an order of magnitude, so they'll be long gone by the time that comes to pass, also I am morbidly curious to see what happens in the future, so there's that.
>"oh you're such a pussy/fag/whatever for giving up on things because they're to difficult and wanting to just resort to hedonismI know, and honestly I'm past fucking caring.
Since I've killed a thread for this, I
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