My living conditions are low key sort of humiliating and borderline interfere with my studies and I'm just sick of everything. Sick of the Zionist bitch at work I work with being a pain in the ass, sick of my mentally ill mom deciding to put her severely disabled child/my siblings to bed at 2AM when I want to shower/go to bed (we only really have one bathroom).
I want stability. The world is a cruel fucked up place - people are snakes everywhere you go and it is depressing how quick people seem to turn on each other. I have since my teenage years fantasized of being in love, which has recently taken the shape of porn fueled goon binges as the hope of that evaporates just the same way the oceans will in the heat of Exxon fueled climate. I hate being a man a lot of the time. I'm glad my libido seems to be slowing down, or at least insomnia seems to be killing my natural hormonal cycle. I've been beset with a borderline obsessive lust for years, compulsively leering at whatever sexual features of women I can get at my job or in public, their toes poking through summer sandals, their jean wrapped asses and feeling sick and disgusted with myself for my desires. I have always been lonely, and it seems like it has warped my sexuality. When I actually do talk to women, I feel even guiltier. I think of all the porn and smut I've consumed throughout the isolated years of my late teens early twenties mid 20's, the cumshot slaps and slopping sopping of quotidian pelvic thrusts, a fetishishtic consumption of the creature female in a commodified black hole of the 21st century creed: pleasure for pleasures sake. A hollow, fund society, cardboard cutouts of people dealing with each other in a mercenary way.
I yearn for the moments I had in highschool, however depressed I was, peering into my female acquaintances eyes as she sat shoulder to shoulder to me on the benches at lunch as if we were the only two people alive, maybe this experience not being as mutual as I thought it was. I remember the warmth of her exposed left in the blooming summer months pushed up against my thin ten dollar shirt, her deep brown eyes and a slight smile that nearly drowned with a weight that breaks the heart: this girl soon to be woman has also felt an immense amount of pain for someone so young.
All that has vanished now, whispering away into the neon lights and the hustle and bustle of cities, memories whistling through like the wind in subway tunnels, the feelin
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